Archive for November, 2011

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: We are back again! I’m afraid, Mike, isn’t with us because he is up north taking part in a documentary. BUT, we will still be able to include him as we are going to ring him and feed it into the studio. Just waiting for it to be sorted. In the meantime, you alright lad’s?

RYAN: Yeah

JOEL: Yeah


JOEL: I chipped my tooth


JOEL: Yeah


JOWETT: We should probably get Mike on the phone soon


JOWETT: Go on, how did you chip you’re tooth?

JOEL: Not too sure. Got to go to the dentist soon. I haven’t had to have anything done to my teeth in ages

RYAN: Remember when you head….sorry ‘broke someone’s mouth with your head’?

JOWETT: You mean you head butted someone?

JOEL: No no. Just broke someone’s mouth with my forehead

JOWETT: I don’t understand….

RYAN: He’s not allowed to say the word ‘headbutt’. It implies he purposely meant to smash-up someone’s mouth

JOWETT: Says who?

JOEL: Lawyer

JOWETT: I see. Off the record though, I’m assuming you meant to head butt someone?

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: When he found this loop-hole, he always used it before starting a fight with someone


RYAN: Some bloke was knocking into him, in a club. So Joel turns to him and says “If you don’t stop, mate, I’m going to put my head through your teeth”


JOWETT: But you are definitely describing a headbutt to the victim, before you have done it

JOEL: Still counts

JOWETT: Hang on a sec….is it done? Yeah? Okay

MIKE: Hello?

JOWETT: Hello? Mike?

MIKE: Howdy

JOWETT: Can you hear us all clearly?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Good. You are up north, aren’t ya?

MIKE: I am. Manchester

JOWETT: Want to explain why you are there?

MIKE: I am taking part in an interview for a documentary. I have been up to other stuff as well. I’m living in some country house. Only been here three bloody days and I owe a girl a new horse…I mean promised a girl a horse


JOWETT: What!? You promised a girl a horse?……a NEW horse?…..have you killed some girl’s horse?

MIKE: ………I didn’t say that

JOWETT: That’s what it sounds like. Explain

MIKE: Move it along, Jowett

JOWETT: Hmm fine. You ready for this documentary?

MIKE: Yeah, I have got it typed out in front of me

JOWETT: (To Ryan) I did that for him

RYAN: Did you?

JOWETT: Yeah. Tell us what you are going to talk about

MIKE: Just about the record label and the bands that have been on it


MIKE: And how I ‘m the most influential artist on it

JOWETT: It doesn’t say that on the script

MIKE: It does


MIKE: At the bottom….in green crayon


JOWETT: I told you not to edit it!

MIKE: Yeah, well

JOWETT: I knew you would mess with it

RYAN: He did. Jowett has been slagging you off while you have been away, mate

JOWETT: (Laughing) I haven’t

MIKE: What’s he said?

JOWETT: Nothing

MIKE: Look, you can tell me now and the punishment will only be half as bad as it could be

RYAN: He said you would be lazy about it and probably f*ck it up

MIKE: RIGHT! You wait now!

JOWETT: I’m not scared of you

MIKE: You should be

JOWETT: Nah, because I know exactly what you are going to do. You always use the same revenge tactic. You send a positive pregnancy test in the post with a note that says “Unlucky!”


MIKE: I’m not going to do that actually!

RYAN: He can’t because the woman he got to use the pregnancy tests has had her baby now

JOWETT: What then?

MIKE: You are about to be strongly linked with the death of a horse


JOWETT: What have you done!

MIKE: You don’t need to know. Ryan? Do you know where you can get me a horse?

RYAN: Afraid not, mate

MIKE: Damn. Joel?…..I don’t know why I am asking you. Will probably suggest sellotaping a few dogs together


JOWETT: You better be taking this documentary seriously!

MIKE: I AM! Don’t change the subject, Jowett! You are having it, you are!

JOWETT: Psh you can’t prove anything. I have alibi’s, mate!

MIKE: Well I can……drop subliminal messaging into this documentary

JOWETT: Like what?

MIKE: Like this “So the early 2000’s JOWETT was an important TOUCHES time for new KIDS!”



JOWETT: Oh yeah! Like that will get used.

MIKE: I will be more subtle than that. I’m telling ya, when I’m finished there will be people burning down your house and even THEY won’t know why they are doing it!


JOWETT: Cut him off

MIKE: I’m going now anyway. I’m back tomorrow, ready to watch police crash through your flat windows


JOWETT: He’s gone now. We better wrap this up anyway. Until next time!



Howdy! Here is another Friday Rewind! Digging out an old post from the archives

Oh yeah, it was pointed out to me that some of the American readers won’t know who Fritzel is, in reference to Wednesdays post. Basically he was this Austrian bloke who locked up his own children in his basement and then fathered children with them, until they were discovered by the police.

THAT’S the event Mike was referring to when he said “The world needs a new Fritzel” as a “Distraction”



JOWETT: Hello again! Welcome to…something wrong Mike?

MIKE: I have spotted a spider. A big one


MIKE: I’m not a fan

JOWETT: (Tut’s) Come on it’s not gonna hurt JESUS CHRIST IT’S HUGE!

MIKE: I can’t concentrate on this conversation until someone deals with it

RYAN: It isn’t that big

MIKE: Mate, I can hear it breathing


JOWETT: Can we get someone to get rid of…cheers Steve

MIKE: Cheers Steve

JOWETT: Happy now?


JOWETT: Who gets rid of the spiders when you are at home?

MIKE: I’m on my own, so no one. I would just let them take over and they would be my masters

JOWETT: Is it just spiders, that you don’t like?

MIKE: Spiders and crabs

JOWETT: Whats wrong with crabs?

MIKE: They are like spiders, but just tooled up


JOWETT: Erm I wanted to talk about something….Oh yeah! Mike, I heard you said something irresponsible to an interviewer, yesterday

MIKE: I say a lot of things, mate. Gonna have to be more specific

JOWETT: The thing you said when asked “How would you help the people of the world forget about their problems, if you could”

RYAN: It’s a stupid question to be fair

JOWETT: I know, I know. But, what did you say, Mike?

MIKE: I said they need a distraction


MIKE: Look, some things I say, get taken out of context

JOWETT: Well, you can’t really take “The world needs a new Fritzel” out of context



MIKE: I know what I meant

RYAN: Joel got on well with her

JOWETT: Oh ah?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: How well?

JOEL: Very well


JOEL: Not how you think. I played slaps with her

JOWETT: You did what?


JOEL: Slaps. You both hold you hands together while touching each others fingertips and you have to slap the other persons hand before they can move it out the way

JOWETT: Yeah I know what it is, just making sure I heard you properly. Is that what all your dates are like?

JOEL: It wasn’t a date

MIKE: You played slaps with a girl?

JOEL: Yeah?

MIKE: Well, delicate stuff that is

JOWETT: What is?

MIKE: One wrong move and he’s Chris Brown



JOWETT: What is it about Joel, that girls like, do you think?

RYAN: It’s his quietness. Girls think he’s mysterious

MIKE: Nah we think he’s mysterious, girls think he’s autistic


JOWETT: Joel told me it’s because he’s good with his fingers

JOEL: I am

RYAN: Good with your hands, you mean

MIKE: Fist?

Groans from all over the room


MIKE: (Laughing) What!?

JOWETT: Unnecessary

Mike Laughs

JOWETT: I heard she probed you about your love life, too, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah, well past relationships etc

RYAN: Didn’t want to talk about it though, did you?


JOWETT: Why not?

JOEL: Nothing to say

JOWETT: Come on! You have been in love before

JOEL: Yeah but I didn’t like it

JOWETT: Anyway, what was wrong with actually being in love?

JOEL: Was horrible


JOEL: Honestly, love, is like a disease

JOWETT: Cliché

JOEL: Like aids

JOWETT: Not so cliché



MIKE: Oh come on! No one looks at Joel with disgust


MIKE: You are going to let that slide, aren’t you?


MIKE: All I said was FIST! and you told me off!


JOWETT: I’m dealing with it! No, Joel, it’s definitely not like aids

JOEL: It is

JOWETT: No, Freddie Mercury didn’t die of love, did he

JOEL: Well….certain type of…




JOWETT: Mike? Want to talk about love?

MIKE: To be honest, it wasn’t really for me either

JOWETT: ( Sarcastically) Your joking!


MIKE: Dont’ do that


MIKE: Give me the same reaction to when you heard Ricky Martin had come out as gay


JOWETT: Well, not the most lovable person are you. Did your vegetarian girlfriend love you?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Why couldn’t you love her back? Was it the vegetarian thing?

MIKE: Nah, that didn’t bother me. I couldn’t really escape that. She was hardcore veggie, even her dog was a vegetarian

JOWETT: Mmm I don’t think so, mate

MIKE: No, it was

JOWETT: Nah, her dog wasn’t a vegetarian. Your ex didn’t put rabbit flavoured food in front of it one day and it turned around and went “Errrrr I’m not eating that! Give me some rice woman!”


MIKE: No, she made it eat vegetarian food

RYAN: What did it eat then?

MIKE: Like these pellets that looked like gravel. You could hear the poor bastard breaking his teeth trying to eat them from the other side of the house


JOWETT: Okay. Let’s end this now and come back to it another time. Until next time! Goodbye


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Hello Again! Last weeks Friday Rewind post went down well so I thought I would dip into the archives again and find another funny post. Enjoy!


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JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: Right, firstly, We aren’t in a studio today. Which means we have no ‘PING’ button. So for this post we are going back to the old system. Would you like to explain, Ryan?

RYAN: Okay. If I feel that anyone is straying into a conversation that will cause legal issues, I will warn them with a warning sound. The warning sound will be the title of a Beatles song

JOWETT: Great! Let’s kick it off! I thought we could talk about past jobs that you have had. Joel, do you want to start?

JOEL: Erm okay. I had rubbish past jobs

JOWETT: Where did you work?

JOEL: I worked in a cafe kitchen. I was treated like a slave

JOWETT: I doubt it was that bad

JOEL: No honestly, I was practically in slavery

JOWETT: Mate, you weren’t were you. I imagine you chose to be there AND got paid for it?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: It’s not slavery then

JOEL: …….It was a bit

JOWETT: Right, It’s sort of offensive to keep saying this. What do you think slavery is? Where do you think it comes from?

MIKE: Ryan?

RYAN: Yes mate?

MIKE: Erm, I’m thinking you should probably intervene here. He’s just asked Joel to explain how slavery came about, it’s more than likely going to be offensive and I will probably say something daft as a result of it, so………

RYAN: Let’s just see how it pans out…

MIKE: Okay


MIKE: Problem, Jowett?

JOWETT: No no, I’m just waiting to see if you had finished your conversation

MIKE: Yeah sorry. Carry on

JOEL: I’m not entirely sure how it came about

JOWETT: Well an entire race was plucked from their homeland and taken to another country where they were forced to work under harsh conditions and with no payment

MIKE: Well say what you want about Willy Wonker, but he got his own movie


MIKE: I warned you, Ryan!

RYAN: Yeah, fair do’s

JOWETT: Oh come on, Ryan! He even let you know in advance!

RYAN: Sorry

JOWETT: Let’s move on. Mike, past jobs?

MIKE: I was a slave for a bit…


JOWETT: Come on now

MIKE: When I was in college I had a work placement at a shelter

JOWETT: Like for homeless people?

MIKE: Tramps, yeah

JOWETT: Right. You aren’t allowed to say tramp anymore, it’s not PC, you have to say homeless. Ryan, be on guard

RYAN: Okay

JOWETT: So what did you do there?

MIKE: Serving food, talking to them, giving out clothes to them. Most of them had drug problems too, so we talked to them about that

JOWETT: Oh right

MIKE: I remember a fight broke out inside the shelter between two tra..

RYAN: Penny L…

MIKE: Two homeless people, about some clothes being given out

JOWETT: Really?

MIKE: Yeah. One of them got really wound up about it and wouldn’t let it drop, so I had a chat with him

JOWETT: What did you say?

MIKE: Just like, it’s not that important

JOWETT: Yeah. Told him he would get first pick of the next lot of clothes or something?

MIKE: Yeah and buy some smack to take his mind off…

RYAN: Strawberry fields


MIKE: (Laughing) I knew someone who could sort them out!

JOWETT: I will pretend I didn’t hear that. Do you remember any of their names?

MIKE: Nah I tried not to. They didn’t live that long and If you start giving them names then you get attached to them


JOWETT: UNbelievable. Comparing them to goldfish or something….

MIKE: Yeah if you like. Goldfish that smelt of sick, had heroin addictions and fingerless  gloves


JOWETT: RIGHT! RYAN! Tell me one of your past jobs, quickly

RYAN: Erm I used to sell heroin to homeless people


MIKE: For the purpose of the tape, even Jowett is laughing at that

RYAN: We might as well scrap the warning system this week

JOWETT: Yeah I figured that. Did you REALLY give advice about drugs to homeless people?

MIKE: Are you REALLY asking?

JOWETT: Actually…No

MIKE: Nah I am joking. I didn’t do that. A lot of the time they would come in, off their face. So we had to keep them amused and occupied for a bit until they sobered up


MIKE: Didn’t take much. Ever seen a tramp on acid? Just give him a spoon and he will be there for a good few hours


MIKE: A group, about five of them, came in once, absolutely fu*ked, off acid. We couldn’t control them so me and another volunteer held a puppet show for them that consisted of empty cans of beans with faces dawn on them


MIKE: They lapped it up, wanted to know what other stuff the ‘Actors’ had been in


MIKE: They gave an award to the mushy peas tin for its performance. Like a BAFTA

JOWETT: What was the award?

MIKE: A shoe

JOWETT: I’m ending this nonsense. Until next time!

Thank you again for reading! We are still looking for comedy writers and cartoonists for the online magazine which is in the early stages of development. It is being left in the hands of Rob Shaw, who will be in charge of the magazine, but you can reach him through our email adress

Keep singing up to the Facebook page and follow us on Twitter!


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Howdy! This post will be looking back at a conversation from the archives which was entitled ‘Man Arrested For Heckling Tiger’. It actually ranks as one of the most viewed posts on I’monthebandwagon. Enjoy!

Also a quick note about a few possible changes and opportunities. We could be getting involved in a online magazine that is for up and coming comedy writers so they can showcase their talent. More information to come!



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JOWETT: Alright lads!

JOEL: Hello

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: So what’s been going on?

JOEL: I saw Danny today

JOWETT: Oh ah?

JOEL: Yeah


JOWETT: Anything to add to that?

JOEL: Not really


JOWETT: Brilliant. Pointless, that was

JOEL: Just saying. I haven’t seen him in ages

JOWETT: People reading this don’t know who….right, for the readers, Danny use to work on the front desk, for the management company

MIKE: He was fat


MIKE: But like obese fat. Massive

RYAN: Yeah he was quite big

MIKE: But like, he worked on reception in the management offices and behind him was one of the fire exits. The corridors in the old building were really narrow. I always thought, if there was a fire, we would have been fu*ked!

JOWETT: Mmm yeah. That’s it though, isn’t it. When you’re so big you become a health and safety nightmare

MIKE: Or appear on Google Earth



MIKE: I saw him once, right….You know those executive toys you see, like stress balls and stuff?


MIKE: I saw him with, what I thought was a stress ball that he was throwing from one hand to the other, while on the phone. I was walking past and motioned with my hands for him to throw it to me. I caught it and it was a unwrapped chocolate orange!


JOWETT: (Laughing) No it wasn’t

MIKE: It was! At first I thought, ‘Eugh it’s sweaty’ It had just been melting

JOWETT: Oh my god

JOEL: Have you seen the new chocolate orange? It’s got honey comb in it

RYAN: I don’t think that’s new mate

JOEL: I just saw the new packaging. It drew me in

RYAN: Why?

JOEL: Just did. Looked good

JOWETT: didn’t one of you have a girlfriend that was a sucker for advertisement or new packaging and stuff?

MIKE: Yeah, I did. She was a vegetarian and saw some veggie food with new packaging so she bought it

JOWETT: I can imagine you didn’t let that moment go by without some smart arse comment

MIKE: Nah, just rolled my eyes

JOWETT: I bet you didn’t (Mocking voice) “They’ve just re-badged it you daft hippy!”


MIKE: Rings a bell. Women are a bit susceptible to advertising anyway

JOWETT: At the risk of something misogynistic being said..go on?

MIKE: Nah I wouldn’t. I’m not misogynistic

JOWETT: No, sure

MIKE: Now where’s that bird with my coffee?


JOWETT: I mean you joke about it. But you are a bit sexist and stuff

MIKE: No evidence to back this up, at all

JOWETT: I have visions of you, even as a baby, sitting in your high chair, slapping you’re mum’s arse as she walks past going “Warm up my milk toots”


JOWETT: Not denying it

RYAN: Because he’s laughing

MIKE: Right, stop it now, I’m not misogynistic. In fact, Callum, our old roadie, came out as gay didn’t he. I was fine with it, even though he will have had to leave his girlfriend

JOWETT: What? That’s doesn’t make sense. You have just gone from trying to explain why you aren’t a misogynist, to us thinking you are homophobic

MIKE:….Oh yeah


MIKE: I’m neither. For the record

RYAN: Has he really come out as gay?

MIKE: Yeah. He was caught out

JOWETT: Caught out how? Actually let’s not gossip about him. He might take issue with you accusing him of something he didn’t do

MIKE: Don’t use words like ‘accused’. I will be reading that back in a letter from his lawyer

JOWETT: Well you have accused him of being gay. Are you sure he has come out as gay? He could sue

MIKE: Yeah..I think…I swear someone said he had

JOWETT: Oooo backtracking. You said he was caught out!



JOWETT: Right okay. Let’s wrap this up. What you up to later?

RYAN: Nothing

MIKE: I’m going to see a musical

JOWETT: Oh come off it. We know your not homophobic

MIKE: Okay, good

JOWETT: I mean If it really concerns you, I could try to organise a gig for you at G-A-Y club in Charing cross

MIKE: Well let’s not go too far

JOWETT: No worries mate, consider it DONE! You will have to be a bit more energetic on stage. You looked bored at your last gig

MIKE: How dare you

RYAN: Bob said that actually. Need to get involved a bit more

MIKE: WHAT!? I’m sorry, what do you expect me to do?

JOWETT: Anything mate

MIKE: FINE! You wait for the next one. I’m going to bite the head off an animal, on stage

JOWETT: Pfft you wouldn’t

MIKE: I will

JOWETT: What animal?



JOWETT: Until next time!

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JOWETT: Howdy!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello


JOWETT: Sooo how’s things? Did you do anything for Halloween?

MIKE: Nah not this year

RYAN: Two years ago we had a gig on Halloween night, so we dressed up for it

JOWETT: Really?

RYAN: Yeah. It was a last-minute decision, made by Mike


RYAN: He got the tour team to start making Halloween costumes in the dressing room, whilst monitoring them

MIKE: It was a good idea

RYAN: Our manager hadn’t a clue what was going on. Back then, out of coincidence, most of our team were black, so our manager walked into the dressing room to find what could only look like a sweat shop and Mike pacing around the room, shouting at them


JOWETT: What did he say?

MIKE: He took me aside and said “You can’t do this. They’ve got rights”


JOWETT: It’s bonfire night on Saturday. Looking forward to that?

RYAN: Mmm not really

MIKE: Nah, too old for that, really

JOWETT: Did you like it when you were younger?

MIKE: Yeah, loved it when I was little. Me and my mates used to launch fireworks through drain pipes at each other

JOEL: Yeah we did that

JOWETT: I’m sorry, where did you grow up? Basra?


MIKE: We got hours of fun out of that


JOEL: I knew a lad that set a firework off in a random place, once, but I can’t remember where it was

JOWETT: Right. Well your childhood was a bit unusual so I imagine it’s…

JOEL: OH YEAH! It was out of my cat’s arse



JOWETT: …Im sorry!?

MIKE: You let you’re mate stick a firework, in your cat’s arse and then light it?

JOEL: Yeah. The cat went one way and the firework went the other


JOWETT: I have fu**ing warned you about cat stories on these interviews, Joel!

JOEL: Sorry

JOWETT: That is shocking. I can’t believe you just said that. Most people would start that story and then stop when they realised it was bad. “Oh my mate once stuck a firework in…Oh no I can’t tell that story”

MIKE: But not Joel!

JOWETT: No, not Joel. Is this the same cat that self harms itself?

JOEL: Err yeah

JOWETT: Have you ever considered that’s why it is a bit haunted now?

MIKE: Does rock back and forth when it hears fireworks go off?

JOEL: It is a bit on edge yeah, but I thought all animals are like that around this time of year?

JOWETT: Poor little bastard

RYAN: Which mate was this?

JOEL: Erm nnnnnot sure

JOWETT: Do you still hang around with him? All your mates are a bit odd aren’t they?


RYAN: Yeah they are, they all have odd names

JOEL: Nicknames

JOWETT: Go on, Joel

JOEL: Ermm well there is ‘Dyslexic Pete’


JOWETT: I’m guessing he is bad with spelling

JOEL: Yeah, quite bad. He text me once saying “I have just bought a Jazzuki” Took me ages to work out what he had bought

JOWETT: What was it?

JOEL: A jacuzzi


JOWETT: Okay, who else?

JOEL: Erm ‘Dave-man’

JOWETT: Right, why do you call him that?

JOEL: He just says ‘man’ at the end of every sentence

JOWETT: Give us an example

JOEL: Erm Like, I will ring him and he will be in the supermarket and I will say “What you buying” and he would say “”bleach man”


MIKE: ‘Bleach Man’ sounds like the shittest superhero ever

JOEL: And there was ‘Early bird Jim’

JOWETT: Right?

JOEL: He was arrested for attacking two different women when they were out jogging early in the morning

JOWETT: Oh for fffffff

RYAN: Jesus christ


MIKE: Why ‘Early bird’ then?…..Oh “Early bird catches the…

JOWETT: DON’T finish that. Joel said that sentence so blasé


RYAN: Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t bring this up

JOWETT: This is bad, isn’t it? We are going to get in trouble for this

MIKE: It’s not that bad. He is in prison isn’t he, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: There you go then, he’s not at large

JOWETT: I suppose. Right that didn’t just happen

RYAN: Didn’t you have a mate that was a psychic?

JOEL: Yeah, he’s the one Mike wasn’t very nice to once

MIKE: (Tut’s)

JOWETT: What did he say?

JOEL: We were in a pub once and he couldn’t find his phone, so he turned to Mike and said “You haven’t seen my phone anywhere, have you?” And Mike said “You tell me”


MIKE: Humor is lost on people like that

JOEL: He wasn’t impressed

JOWETT: I honestly don’t know if we can use any of this conversation

MIKE: Oh shut up. You always say this!


MIKE: Right! I’m gonna make my OWN blog!

JOWETT: Pshhh give over

MIKE: I will! I will call it ‘Shit my……roadie says’


JOWETT: Bean Bag?

MIKE: Yeah!

JOWETT: Yeah, that’s not a blog, is it? It’s more like the start of evidence for a court case


JOWETT: Right lets wrap this up. Until next time!

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