Sewing arseholes to mouths

Get On the Band Wagon!

 JOWETT: Howdy! I am back again with the lad’s

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Firstly I need to point out that, during this conversation, we are being monitored by some of the management team. This is because in the last conversation some daft stuff was talked about, notably, disabilities. I think at one point Mike said something like “Radioactive down syndrome sufferers”

MIKE: That was you!

JOWETT: Look let’s not get bogged down with who said what. The point is, it was said, so we are being monitored by the management. If we happen to stroll down a dangerous cul-de-sac then we will hear this sound

 a PING noise is sounded 

 laughter

JOWETT: There we go! Before, of course, Ryan was in charge of making sure nothing mental was said by naming Beatles songs to warn Mike that he was going to get sued. But he has abandoned this method for some reason

RYAN: Because he is too quick, sometimes I can see it coming, sometimes I can’t. Once during an interview, he had realised he could just slip something liable into a normal sentence just to throw me off (Puts on Mike’s voice) “Yeah next year we will be touring around Germany, Spain, I think Robbie Williams is a closet homosexual”

Laughter

MIKE: (Smiling) Yeah I did do that

JOWETT: Okay well none of that today. Also we have realised..because of emails..that we haven’t been very nice to Joel

MIKE: I don’t get this

JOWETT: Well apparently we have been nasty to him. And therefore this will be Joel’s special day and we will be nice to him all day. I have even let him do another film review because he enjoyed that last time, didn’t you

RYAN: Surely talking to him like he is a child is sorta being nasty to him?

JOWETT: I’m not, he wanted to do a film review!

MIKE: I haven’t been nasty to him

JOEL: I sort of agree. you have bullied me a bit

MIKE: If you bring this bullying up again Joel, I’m going to make life very difficult for you

Laughter

JOWETT: BE NICE!

MIKE: Sorry sorry

RYAN: Yeah maybe we should be nicer. We don’t want him to leave like Johnny

JOWETT: Johnny was your old bass player wasn’t he?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Why did he leave again?

RYAN: He had just had enough, Mike reckons he was having a mental breakdown

MIKE: Yeah definatly

JOWETT: Why do you think that?

MIKE: Because once during a sound check, his guitar was just nackerd and wasnt working properly so he threw it to the floor and walked off saying “I don’t care anyway, it’s my birthday”……it wasn’t

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Seriously?

MIKE: Seriously

RYAN: Yeah that was the last straw. He quit shortly after that

JOWETT: Wow okay then. We don’t want that to happen to Joel

MIKE: Honestly, we let Joel get away with murder outside of these interviews

JOWETT: How?

MIKE: We turn a blind eye when he is trailing female fans into the toilets

Laughter

JOWETT: Well Joel does well with the ladies, that’s not a problem is it?

JOEL: I don’t think so

MIKE: It is when it ends up in the papers

JOEL: That doesn’t happen anymore

MIKE: Matter of time mate. Ryan, did you see him eyeing up (Pause) I wont say her name because she is famous, but you will know who I am on about

RYAN: Oh yeah. yeah I saw

JOEL: Stop it now

JOWETT: Yeah come on be nice. But I am actually interested so I am going to make you whisper, who it was, in my ear

Silence for a few seconds

JOWETT: (Laughs) Ahh well that’s fair enough, she is quite nice. I was there actually! Which one of you had a rider that just consisted of Skips

Laughter

JOWETT: And by that I mean the crisps not the massive bin. Who was it?

MIKE: I had Skips in mine but there was other stuff aswell

JOWETT: Fair enough. Joel what was in your rider? A girl band?

Laughter

RYAN: BE NICE!

JOWETT: Sorry sorry. Come on then Joel, let’s have your film review. What film are you reviewing?

JOEL: ‘The Human Centipede’

Laughter

MIKE: Course he is

JOWETT: Gon on then

JOEL: Well it is about this German bloke that kidnaps three people, breaks their knee caps so they have to walk around on all fours and then sews there arseholes and mouths together

MIKE: WHAT!?

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Have you never heard of this film?

MIKE: No

JOWETT: I have seen it and what he said is pretty spot on

MIKE: F**k me!

JOWETT: Yeah. So Joel, that was a pretty basic review. What did you think of it?

JOEL: Pretty graphic

JOWETT: Yeah

JOEL: I wasn’t a massive fan of it overall. Bit daft

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah a bit daft. A bit like ‘The Ring’, because you thought that was quite unrealistic, didn’t you?

JOEL: Yeah. I don’t think I would have got myself into that situation to be honest

JOWETT: Like what?

JOEL: Well in his house, I think I could have got out of it

Laughter

JOWETT: Here we go, this is where Joel tell us how he would get out of a film situation. Is this going to be as good as your methods for defeating the girl in ‘The Ring’? “I would just get rid of my TV”

JOEL: Well, in ‘The Human Centipede” there is a part where he has them in beds and he is giving them a slide show presentation on what he is going to do to them

JOWETT: (Laughing) A slide show!

JOEL: Well while this is going on, I would think ‘Im not interested in this’ then I could have got out of that bed somehow and legged it

Laughter

JOWETT: Mate, it’s not ‘Dragons Den’ “Hmm I have seen what you have to offer in your presentation and  I’m out”

Laughter

JOWETT: And they are tied to the bed aren’t they? Havent they already had their leg’s broken at this stage?

JOEL: I dunno

JOWETT: ….Well more world-class reviews from Joel next time maybe. That is the end of this interview I think. And we got through the whole thing without the PING being used! So let’s leave it until next time. Goodbye!

 

 

Disabled movie characters and an alien monkey

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Alright lad’s?

MIKE: Yeah

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Just finished doing a charity gig have ya?

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Who for? Actually judging by your target audience, crack heads?

MIKE: No, we don’t perform for crack heads, Jowett

JOWETT: You should, if it wasn’t for those crack heads you wouldn’t have a career! Drugs ruin lives, Mike!

MIKE: Well they didn’t ruin mine, so get on that

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Mike there with the first comment to get us in trouble. Okay let’s move on. I saw a blog earlier that was on about first love. I don’t want to spend too much time on this so I will only ask one of you. JOEL, who was your first love?

JOEL: Erm this girl at school. I used to tease her and twang her bra strap

MIKE: Is this how you lost your job as a substitute teacher?

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay Joel, please just prove him wrong, for the sake of our jobs

JOEL: Yeah I was in school at the time, year 8 I think

JOWETT: Good. Erm I heard the other day that you have never seen ‘Forrest Gump’. Is that true?

RYAN: I can’t believe this

JOEL: Nah never seen it

MIKE: (Smiling) Joel, tell them why you have never seen it

JOEL: I don’t like films about disabled people

Laughter

JOWETT: Right, Mike you have clearly done this on purpose because you knew he would say something mad. I don’t think I want to go down this road

JOEL: No, I don’t have anything against people with disabilities, I just prefer happier films

JOWETT: Well, that’s sorta nice, in a way. Looks like your plan was ruined, Mike

MIKE: It’s coming

JOEL: I didn’t even like ‘Finding Nemo’

Laughter

JOWETT: That film isn’t about disability, mate

JOEL: He had a dodgy fin didn’t he? Well then

JOWETT: Okay give me another example

JOEL: ‘Hunchback Of Notredam’

MIKE: BOOM! And we have a winner!

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god. Wait a second…how is he disabled?

JOEL: Well….Come on

Laughter

MIKE: He wasn’t disabled, just a freak

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) You can’t say that!

MIKE: It’s a Fu**ing cartoon! Anyway wasn’t he stupidly strong and could climb buildings? Can he be put in the superhero bracket?

JOWETT: Your going to compare him to spiderman aren’t you…

JOEL: I suppose he is like a super disabled person

Laughter

JOWETT: So what, he was bitten by a radioactive sufferer of down syndrome?

Some laughter some shocked faces

RYAN: That’s the worst thing you have ever said

JOWETT: RIGHT! This is getting out of hand. I don’t even know if this can be used

MIKE: You know spiderman? When he got bitten, why did he just accept it and go home?

JOWETT: What? Well what would you have done?

MIKE: Grabbed the bloke showing them around and say “These spiders that you are fu**ing about with, one just bit me, im suing!”

Laughter

JOWETT: Okay let’s move on to something light-hearted. I have a story here. MONKEY MISTAKEN FOR ALIEN!

Laughter

MIKE: I like it already

JOWETT: “People in the Chinese village Gezhai became hysterical this week when they found an emancipated monkey that they mistakenly thought was an alien. Mao Xiping found the malnourished monkey stealing cucumbers from her apartment and mistook it for an alien”

Laughter

MIKE: Oh yeah, because aliens fu**ing love cucumbers!

JOWETT: “At first she thought it was a rabbit until she noticed it had a ‘alien face’ and her neighbours agreed it must be a creature from space

Laughter

JOWETT: “She called the police but the local police station thought it was a prank so she took it to the police station and demanded they arrested it

Laughter

MIKE: Imagine that phone call “Hello, I have E.T here, he is eating cucumbers, can you send an armed unit to my house please?”

JOWETT: I think that story saved us. Right! Let’s end this. Goodbye from everyone!

RYAN: Bye!

MIKE: Bye!

 

 

 

 

 

 

WE ARE BACK!

Get On the Band Wagon!

 

 

Well, after a two-week break, we are back. We had a bit of time off abroad while the lad’s did some more writing. I finally managed to sit down with them for a new interview. Here it is!

JOWETT: So here we are! Back again! After a two-week break. How is everyone?

MIKE: I’m good

JOWETT: Yeah? Ryan?

RYAN: Yeah, tip-top mate

JOWETT: Good stuff! Joel?

JOEL: I’m okay now. I was a bit ill last week

JOWETT: Aw sorry to hear that mate, but not that interested

Laughter

RYAN: Bit harsh

JOWETT: Yeah I suppose it was. Sorry Joel

JOEL: It’s okay

RYAN: He was proper ill too

JOWETT: Were you?

JOEL: Yeah, I was like sweating constantly

JOWETT: Well (Pause) We were in a hot country

JOEL: I know but I was actually ill

MIKE: I can vouch for him, he was genuinely ill. He looked pale for a week and had a constantly gloss of sweat across his face

JOWETT: (Sounding disgusted) Eugh. Why were you constantly so close to him that you noticed he had a sweaty, ill face?

MIKE: Because I tried to punch him one night and my fist slipped off his face. Made a proper squeak

Laughter

JOWETT: Ahh, Mike’s back everybody! Anyway let’s get on with this. Talk about where we went. Mike didn’t like it originally, did you?

MIKE: Well no but

JOWETT: Why was that?

MIKE: Well (Laughs) There were Greek people everywhere

Laughter

JOWETT: And what was the name of the country we were in?

MIKE: It may have begun with  G and had a few E’s in there

Laughter

JOWETT: For the record, be better clear up that you aren’t racist

MIKE: Nah, i just wasn’t a fan at first. But I got into it eventually. It was good!

JOWETT: Yep! Even though Joel was ill, he originally came to groom the foreign fans!

JOEL: That’s not fair

JOWETT: Mate I heard you chatting to the female fans. Taking down number’s and names to add on Facebook

JOEL: It’s not grooming, It’s banter

Laughter

JOWETT: Sure. Well that ‘Banter’ didn’t go down well with the girl he dragged back to his room

Laughter

JOWETT: Sorry, sorry. I just caught a glimpse of one of the managers eye’s and suddenly realised that in this context, ‘dragged’ is a no-no word. While we were away in this mystery location inhabited by Greek’s. Joel got in trouble. Basically he chatted up this girl, got her back

JOEL: WILLINGLY

JOWETT: WILLINGLY! Of course. And she then ran off didn’t she?

JOEL: Err well yeah

Pause

JOWETT: Oh no. Sorry are we not supposed to tell this story?

Laughter

JOEL: Nah it’s okay

RYAN: I spoke to her the next day and she said “All he is bothered about is sex”

JOEL: Well yeah…With her

Laughter

JOWETT: Oh god I knew I was going down dangerous territory when I decided to tell this story. When you got her back to your room, what did you say? Can we re-enact it?

JOEL: Not really

JOWETT: Yeah we can do this, call your lawyer after, it will be fine. Okay I Imagine she said “No I don’t want to sleep with you” Did you give her a drink or anything

JOEL: Err nah

JOWETT: Okay erm “I think I am just going to sit her a drink this lack of hospitality and then I’m going”

Laughter

JOEL: Stop it now

JOWETT: Okay sorry sorry. We better wrap this up! Until next time! It’s goodbye from us all!

 

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