Sewing arseholes to mouths

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Get On the Band Wagon!

 JOWETT: Howdy! I am back again with the lad’s

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Firstly I need to point out that, during this conversation, we are being monitored by some of the management team. This is because in the last conversation some daft stuff was talked about, notably, disabilities. I think at one point Mike said something like “Radioactive down syndrome sufferers”

MIKE: That was you!

JOWETT: Look let’s not get bogged down with who said what. The point is, it was said, so we are being monitored by the management. If we happen to stroll down a dangerous cul-de-sac then we will hear this sound

 a PING noise is sounded 


JOWETT: There we go! Before, of course, Ryan was in charge of making sure nothing mental was said by naming Beatles songs to warn Mike that he was going to get sued. But he has abandoned this method for some reason

RYAN: Because he is too quick, sometimes I can see it coming, sometimes I can’t. Once during an interview, he had realised he could just slip something liable into a normal sentence just to throw me off (Puts on Mike’s voice) “Yeah next year we will be touring around Germany, Spain, I think Robbie Williams is a closet homosexual”


MIKE: (Smiling) Yeah I did do that

JOWETT: Okay well none of that today. Also we have realised..because of emails..that we haven’t been very nice to Joel

MIKE: I don’t get this

JOWETT: Well apparently we have been nasty to him. And therefore this will be Joel’s special day and we will be nice to him all day. I have even let him do another film review because he enjoyed that last time, didn’t you

RYAN: Surely talking to him like he is a child is sorta being nasty to him?

JOWETT: I’m not, he wanted to do a film review!

MIKE: I haven’t been nasty to him

JOEL: I sort of agree. you have bullied me a bit

MIKE: If you bring this bullying up again Joel, I’m going to make life very difficult for you



MIKE: Sorry sorry

RYAN: Yeah maybe we should be nicer. We don’t want him to leave like Johnny

JOWETT: Johnny was your old bass player wasn’t he?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Why did he leave again?

RYAN: He had just had enough, Mike reckons he was having a mental breakdown

MIKE: Yeah definatly

JOWETT: Why do you think that?

MIKE: Because once during a sound check, his guitar was just nackerd and wasnt working properly so he threw it to the floor and walked off saying “I don’t care anyway, it’s my birthday”……it wasn’t


JOWETT: (Laughing) Seriously?

MIKE: Seriously

RYAN: Yeah that was the last straw. He quit shortly after that

JOWETT: Wow okay then. We don’t want that to happen to Joel

MIKE: Honestly, we let Joel get away with murder outside of these interviews


MIKE: We turn a blind eye when he is trailing female fans into the toilets


JOWETT: Well Joel does well with the ladies, that’s not a problem is it?

JOEL: I don’t think so

MIKE: It is when it ends up in the papers

JOEL: That doesn’t happen anymore

MIKE: Matter of time mate. Ryan, did you see him eyeing up (Pause) I wont say her name because she is famous, but you will know who I am on about

RYAN: Oh yeah. yeah I saw

JOEL: Stop it now

JOWETT: Yeah come on be nice. But I am actually interested so I am going to make you whisper, who it was, in my ear

Silence for a few seconds

JOWETT: (Laughs) Ahh well that’s fair enough, she is quite nice. I was there actually! Which one of you had a rider that just consisted of Skips


JOWETT: And by that I mean the crisps not the massive bin. Who was it?

MIKE: I had Skips in mine but there was other stuff aswell

JOWETT: Fair enough. Joel what was in your rider? A girl band?



JOWETT: Sorry sorry. Come on then Joel, let’s have your film review. What film are you reviewing?

JOEL: ‘The Human Centipede’


MIKE: Course he is

JOWETT: Gon on then

JOEL: Well it is about this German bloke that kidnaps three people, breaks their knee caps so they have to walk around on all fours and then sews there arseholes and mouths together



JOWETT: (Laughing) Have you never heard of this film?


JOWETT: I have seen it and what he said is pretty spot on

MIKE: F**k me!

JOWETT: Yeah. So Joel, that was a pretty basic review. What did you think of it?

JOEL: Pretty graphic


JOEL: I wasn’t a massive fan of it overall. Bit daft

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah a bit daft. A bit like ‘The Ring’, because you thought that was quite unrealistic, didn’t you?

JOEL: Yeah. I don’t think I would have got myself into that situation to be honest

JOWETT: Like what?

JOEL: Well in his house, I think I could have got out of it


JOWETT: Here we go, this is where Joel tell us how he would get out of a film situation. Is this going to be as good as your methods for defeating the girl in ‘The Ring’? “I would just get rid of my TV”

JOEL: Well, in ‘The Human Centipede” there is a part where he has them in beds and he is giving them a slide show presentation on what he is going to do to them

JOWETT: (Laughing) A slide show!

JOEL: Well while this is going on, I would think ‘Im not interested in this’ then I could have got out of that bed somehow and legged it


JOWETT: Mate, it’s not ‘Dragons Den’ “Hmm I have seen what you have to offer in your presentation and  I’m out”


JOWETT: And they are tied to the bed aren’t they? Havent they already had their leg’s broken at this stage?

JOEL: I dunno

JOWETT: ….Well more world-class reviews from Joel next time maybe. That is the end of this interview I think. And we got through the whole thing without the PING being used! So let’s leave it until next time. Goodbye!



  1. Blogdramedy says:

    I think I’m developing a wee crush on Mike. Tell me he’s a cute as he sounds…if not, just lie. 🙂

  2. Irma says:

    My favorite line is “I would just get rid of my TV.” That is so simple it just might work! Well, except for the well. Poor Joel!

  3. mario says:

    Hahaha! Get rid of the tv… I laughed till my face ached. I’ll have to check that post out. Good stuff! May I link you on my page?

  4. “mike has managed to capture a girlfriend” this had me in fits. 🙂

  5. You’ve managed to make me smile for the first time all day. Love the brief synopsis of the entire film. It really does cover the entire story heh.
    glad you’re all back
    ~Miss R

  6. Beth says:

    I’m greatly enjoying these conversations. Mike is now my new hero and I do hope for more movie reviews by Joel. As for “The Ring”, what if you just didn’t answer the phone? I mean, they can’t start the 7 day timer if they can’t reach you, right? 🙂

  7. Right at Robin Williams was when I lost it. Don’t forget to provide a link on your gravatar account.

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