Archive for June, 2011

Get On the Band Wagon!


JOWETT: Hello!


RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: This post is coming off the back of the slagging off match between Mike and Ryan, on Twitter. There were some good ones. I’m guessing people know none of the allegations you made against each other weren’t true but..

MIKE: Mine were

JOWETT: Mmm I don’t think they were

MIKE: All of them were true

JOWETT: So you reckon Ryan stepped on a plug, with no shoes on and cursed Martin Luther King

MIKE: Yep. Read into that what you want


RYAN: None of them were true. It was just a game that got a bit heated

JOWETT: Right, well have you made up? Mike was getting desperate and started moaning about it. Saying he was going to look stupid if he couldn’t come up with a comeback. You moan a lot at the moment

MIKE: No I don’t!

JOWETT: You do. At Glastonbury you didn’t stop!

MIKE: I hardly ever moan

JOWETT: You do. ‘On Facebook, On Twitter, On the edge of a tantrum at any minute’


JOWETT: So have you made up?


JOWETT: Good stuff. Before we go further I have a question to ask you from a fan. It’s from Tinkerbelle86’s blog. She is asking the question ‘Does anyone go weak at the knees anymore?’ So I said I would put the question to you

RYAN: I don’t think it has ever happened to me

MIKE: Or me

JOWETT: Brilliant. I was hoping more of a discussion lad’s, I’ll be honest

MIKE: Actually, when I lived with my parents, there was a girl who lived next door that use to go weak at the knees when ever she saw me

RYAN: Why’s that? She have Cerebral palsy?

Laughter from all over the room

JOWETT: OOOOOKAY(Laughing) Apologies for that comment. Clearly there is still some backlash from yesterdays Twitter row. I hope that answers the question. She loves you lot you know


JOWETT: What? I can’t imagine many people tell you that they love you, Joel. I would accept this one

JOEL: Well girls say that word all the time. They love everything. My ex once said she loved Paul Bettany


JOEL: I mean, come on

JOWETT: I dunno mate, did you not see his work in the masterpiece that was, ‘Wimbledon’


JOWETT: Erm I did receive an email about this woman who likes acrobat shows and stuff and she has a pet monkey that can do cartwheels and stuff. But I the name of it has escaped me


MIKE: And why the fu*k were you going to tell us this?

JOWETT: Well some circus promoters wanted to sign up the monkey or something, but she refused and said it was too cruel. She say’s she doesn’t even make him do tricks at home

RYAN: Well how does she know he can do the tricks?

JOWETT: Dunno. One day she walks in on it doing a handstand and goes “Woah….i would keep that to a minimum, my little hairy mate”

MIKE: Hang on. This woman who is in to acrobat shows and stuff, has a pet monkey that can do acrobatics, but doesn’t make it do them?


MIKE: But why have something like that and not use it? It would be like having an autistic cousin with an online casino account and NOT use him

JOWETT:  Fu*k’s sake


MIKE: What?

JOWETT: Nothing im just totting these down in my head. ‘making light of cerebral palsy and comparing an autistic child to a performing monkey’. No worries. Ryan, have you abandoned the Beatles’ warning signal now?

RYAN: He was too quick


JOWETT: I’m sorry again. We actually had a charity, supporting people with Autism, asking us to plug their charity, but It could be more trouble than it’s worth

MIKE: Nah go on. Do you know what this charity does?

JOWETT: Well support people with Autism. They have special carer’s that take them out on trips and stuff

MIKE: That’s good. I would take some of them out


JOWETT: When he say’s some of them. He means sufferers of autism

MIKE: Yeah. I have an idea

JOWETT: Well im going to stop you there and say, with my lawyer hat on, no you haven’t. Yesterday, Mike said he reckons there could be money in an idea to set up a womens refuge for the the discarded former members of the sugababes because there have been so many


MIKE: Hear me out. Have you ever seen the film ’21’?


MIKE: It’s about a team of really clever teenagers that bankrupt casino’s. I could do something like that. Take a few of these people out to a casino, start my own little team

JOWETT: And that’s it for this post. Thank you for reading

MIKE: We could be called the ‘Rain men’


JOWETT: (Laughing) Oh god. Erm yeah that’s it for this post. Again ‘m sorry for anyone that took offense, he doesn’t mean it

MIKE: Well. I now own that name idea, before anyone tries to nick it

JOWETT: You can have it mate!


JOWETT: He doesn’t mean it. Anyway, this is the last post for two weeks. We are away for a bit, really busy doing this and that, so we will see you again in two weeks! Goodbye!




Like I said in the interview, we will be away for a couple of weeks because of busy schedules and the like. But we will be back after the two week. Keep following!

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JOWETT: We are back from Glastonbury!

MIKE: Hello


JOWETT: (Laughing) Sorry. Hello lad’s

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: So we are back from Glastonbury!


JOWETT: Was shit, wasn’t it?


MIKE: It wasn’t brilliant

JOWETT: I mean besides the mud, the headline act’s weren’t great. I mean we all know Mike’s views on Chris Martin but none of us are Coldplay fans

MIKE: It wasn’t just his fault. U2 are sh*t too. I mean Bono really is a insufferable cu*t


JOWETT: Just to point out to readers, the management stated that the ‘not the slagging off celebs rule’ could only be lifted if  a celeb caused a problem to the band. The rule ended after Mike claimed Chris Martin spat at him in the queue for the toilets. No one else saw it, we are a bit dubious

MIKE: It happened


JOWETT: Say what you want about Chris Martin. But he is one of the only songwriters that equally shares writing royalties amongst the rest of his band

RYAN: True, not many other bands do that these days

MIKE: He shares his song writing royalties equally amongst the rest of the band, really?

JOWETT: Yeah, what do you think about that?

MIKE: Well, you know why he does that, don’t you?


MIKE: To share the blame


JOWETT: Fair enough. Just to point out, we don’t think it was all bad. We aren’t massive Beyonce fans, but we all thought she was good

RYAN: Yep Elbow, Ed Sheeran Tinie Tempah, just to name a few, were all good

JOWETT: Anything to add, Joel?

JOEL: Errrm I didn’t mind any of it

JOWETT: It really didn’t, did it. The shit headliners and mud didn’t seem to bother Joel much. You don’t seem to ever let anything bother you. (To Mike) Have you ever seen him angry?

RYAN: I don’t know

MIKE: Yeah I have. Once he had a massive pack of ‘Monster Munch’ as part of his Ryder and I ate the last pack and he shouted at me. But while he was shouting at me he had to say the words “Monster Munch”, therefore taking all the severity out of his shouting


JOWETT: Aww Joel. I suppose you need a person like Joel seeing as you two argue a lot anyway

RYAN: We don’t argue that much, only when necessary

MIKE: Mmmm we have our moments, Ryan

RYAN: Well when was the last time?

MIKE: Well actually (Starts laughing) I have seen pictures of Ryan when he was young. And he was a chubby little bastard


MIKE: So when Ryan told me when he was young he did karate, he took offense to me saying “You must have looked like kung-Fu Panda”


RYAN: Dick head

MIKE: He had a chip on his shoulder about that one for a while

JOWETT: Brilliant. Anyway, on that note, its goodbye from me and the lad’s!

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JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Alright!

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: First off. Mike, I heard a rumor that you have to be on your best behaviour. Is that true?

MIKE: Well, yeah. They read the last blog and think it’s too offensive and I’m putting my foot in it, too many times

JOWETT: They have got a point though, haven’t they?

MIKE: Well they hadn’t really looked at the blog before, untill YOU

Jowett starts laughing

MIKE: Showed them an old post where, apparently, I was making racist comments about China

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah. I think it was the one headed ‘It started so well

MIKE: Yeah. They said it was unacceptable

JOWETT: Right. Well you made some comment about chinese money or something like that. We won’t get in to it because you are already in trouble

MIKE: Well it is

JOWETT: Don’t! Seriously

MIKE: Look at you! (Mocking voice) Worried about what the management are going to say if I talk about China!

JOWETT: I’m not! It’s not as if im pandering to them…

MIKE: It’s not as if your panda….what? sorry what?


JOWETT: (Laughing) Seriously now. I’m going to move on, we can’t talk about it

MIKE: Well you are!  Just trying to keep management happy, up there arse. ‘PANDA’ ering to them


JOWETT: Oh come on!

MIKE: Talk about something else then for fu*k’s sake

JOWETT: Okay. I also heard, you are not allowed to slag off any celebrities?


JOWETT: So! A new game is in order! Called ‘What does Mike think about these celebrities!’

MIKE: Ohhh you are joking? This isn’t fair

JOWETT: I know. First off, we will make it easy. What do you think of ‘Take That’?

MIKE: Brilliant



MIKE: Yeah, outstanding


JOWETT: Erm Justin Bieber?

MIKE: Genius


JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah yeah. Erm finally, Chris Martin

RYAN: Oooooo

MIKE: Quality

JOWETT: Yeah? Really?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: He’s not a pretentious dick head then?


MIKE: (Laughing) No. You’re having a laugh aren’t ya!? That man IS. A. LEDGEND, Jowett


JOWETT: Good boy, thank’s for that Michael. Let’s move on! Erm I heard you were visited, in the studio, by a charity that supports ex youth offenders?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: What’s that about?

RYAN: Well run workshops for kids that have committed crimes in the past or been inside youth offenders prisons etc

JOWETT: Oh right

MIKE: They bought three of the kids with them. They all looked shifty



MIKE: They just did. One of them had been stabbed before!

JOWETT: Christ! What had he been in trouble for?

MIKE: Well he said he hasn’t actually been arrested or anything. He said he just joined the workshops to prevent himself from a life of crime. But ya know..


MIKE: Well, why did he get stabbed? No smoke without fire


MIKE: I’m sure he said he was homeless? (Turns to Ryan) Is that right?

RYAN: I don’t know

MIKE: Why get involved with workshops if you are homeless?

JOWETT: Well, I see where you are coming from. Like, sort out living situations rather than start a workshop or something

MIKE: Well yeah, or turn to smack!



MIKE: What? Never did Joel any harm

JOEL: What?

MIKE: See!

JOWETT: Dear god. I think I will keep this post away from management

MIKE: Probably best

JOWETT: Ermm just trying to think what else I was going to ask you. Oh yeah, I saw a gig the other night and someone threw a bra on stage. Has anything like that happened to you?

RYAN: Mmm nah I don’t remember anything being thrown

JOEL: Which singer was it, that declared….

JOWETT: (laughing) Here we go

JOEL: What?

JOWETT: Nothing. Carry on

JOEL: Which singer was it, that declared his love for (Pause) I think it was Skittles. So at every gig, fans threw Skittles?

JOWETT: I don’t know

MIKE: Is that true?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: Well, if there are any ‘Coldplay’ fans following this. I happen to know that Chris Martin is a fan of…

I literally had to dive to turn the tape off as soon as he started this sentence. I knew where it was going and had the common sense to turn it off. I will leave it to your imagination what he said. It wasn’t skittles

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JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Everyone alright?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Then let’s get straight into it! There is a new leader of Al-Qaeda!

MIKE: Is there? who?

JOWETT: Ayman Al-Zawahri


MIKE: Well I didn’t vote for him


JOWETT: I don’t think it works like that, you just have to be….actually, im not getting into this

MIKE: I am. I reckon you just have to really want it and submit you’re CV


MIKE: CV’s full of terrorism (Puts on a borderline, racist voice) I see here, you blew up an eagle, nice!

JOWETT: Right!

MIKE: You brought it up!

JOWETT: I know, but…let’s just move on, shall we

MIKE: Go on then

JOWETT: Okay. Actually, I was wondering, say you got that job, you would have that for life, i mean you couldn’t possibly get sacked, could you?

RYAN: I don’t know mate. I mean once you have been named head of Al-Aaeda, you aren’t going to listen to anyone if you got sacked anyway

JOWETT: I suppose. I mean you could keep going in to…the office


JOWETT: I don’t know how it works, and someone would go “What are you doing here? We told you to clear your desk!”

MIKE: (Laughs) And he just shows him the palm of his hand “Whatever!, are you getting the tube anytime soon?” “why?” “Just wondering”


JOWETT: (Laughs) Ooooookay. I haven’t had to do this for a while, but I’m sorry to anyone offended, errrm, Joel! Save us mate

JOEL: What?

JOWETT: Just talk mate, just talk

JOEL: Well I wanted a pet to take on tour with us

Mike sighs loudly

JOWETT: What’s this?

JOEL: Over the weekend, we discussed the possibility of having a pet to take on tour

JOWETT: Right? Mike, im guessing, is not a fan of the idea

MIKE: Well it’s daft isn’t it! It would never work out the way he thinks it will, in his head

JOWETT: I have to say, Joel, I agree with Mike

RYAN: And me

JOEL: Why wouldn’t it?

JOWETT: Well, look at celebrity pets, they never last!

JOEL: Like who?

JOWETT: John travolta’s dogs were run over, George Clooney had that pig that died, Jessica Simpson’s dog died

JOEL: Jessica Simpson’s dog died?


MIKE: She used to sing didn’t she?


MIKE:….Was it suicide


RYAN: Mike Tyson had that Tiger

MIKE: Did that die?

RYAN: Well no, but it’s weird. People thought he had lost it. Mind you he had lost it before then. He even looks a bit weird


JOWETT: Right, careful. How does he look weird?

RYAN: Dunno, just like, pug-faced

Some nervous laughter

MIKE: Right! I may have said some mad things on this blog, but you just called Mike Tyson, PUG-FACED!

RYAN: It was a joke, obviously

JOWETT: I’m the one that has to write this up! Again, we are going to have to change the subject! Ermm I have a news story

MIKE: Go on

JOWETT: ‘Jewish court sentences dog to death by stoning ‘as it’s lawyer reincarnated’

RYAN: What?

JOWETT: “Paranoid judges at a strict Jewish court have sentenced a stray dog to death by stoning as they believe it is possessed with the spirit of an unruly ex-lawyer. The four-legged criminal came to the attention of the Monetary Affairs Court in the ultra-Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood of Mea Shearim in Jerusalem, when it wandered in off the street. After ‘terrorising’ judges and plaintiffs it then refused to leave the court – sparking a bizarre theory that it was the reincarnation of a lawyer who had insulted the court 20 years previously. During the lawyer’s tirade, the court became so enraged it cursed him so he would come back in another life as a dog. Canines are considered impure by traditional Judaism, but with the curse supposedly coming back to haunt the court the only punishment seen fit was for local children to stone the creature to death”

RYAN: That is ridiculous

MIKE: That is mental that there is a belief where that becomes normal

JOWETT: Well let’s not slag it off because I really will have to scrap this whole conversation

MIKE: I’m just saying, If they are interested in other people who have harmed them in the past and have been reincarnated, Chris Martin, looks a bit Nazi-ish. Blonde hair, blue eyes

JOWETT: Ohh for ffff

MIKE: The kids from ‘Glee’, im sure a saw an episode with goose stepping

JOWETT: That’s all we have time for in this post

MIKE: ‘The Wanted’ are practically the SS

JOWETT: Goodbye!


Again, I’m sorry to anyone that was offended. Keep following on Twitter at







JOEL: You know when you see a two animals having sex? How do you know if it’s consensual?

RYAN: What?

JOEL: Also, if it isn’t consensual, with which species, does it not matter? Like If a spider got raped, no one would care. Or a beetle. I think if a beetle was raped, no one would care

MIKE: I think Paul McCartney would care

Just another example of some of the shit I have to listen to that spurred me on to make this blog. More of this is posted on our twitter account, Follow!/jowettbandwagon

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JOWETT: Back again with Ryan, Mike and Joel


JOWETT: Before we start a proper conversation. Joel, we found a Facebook page for your Highschool year, didn’t we


JOWETT: Have you looked at it since we found it?


JOWETT: Okay, I’m going to say some names and tell me if you recognise them, okay?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: I’m just going to click on a few people’s profiles. Errrm Matthew Kelly?

JOEL: Mmmm No

JOWETT: Err Tim Jackson?


JOWETT: Danielle Robinson?


JOWETT: Did you go to school?


JOEL: Yeah I just don’t remember those people

JOWETT: Joe Barnett?

JOEL: Yeah!

JOWETT: Yeah? Are you just saying that? Let’s have a look at him

JOEL: Nah I remember him! He use to sneak alcohol into school!

JOWETT: Oh right (Pause) Do you think his wife Beth and two-year old son Charlie know about his drinking problem?


JOEL: (Laughing) Don’t, stop it now

JOWETT: Okay we will leave that. (Laughs) Aw look at Joel’s face, it’s okay mate, he wont be reading this

JOEL: Mmmm

MIKE: It’s your own fault, Joel, for saying that out loud


RYAN: I have told him before, that he needs to think about stuff before he says or does anything

JOWETT: Like what? When has that been a problem?

RYAN: It’s not really been a problem, he just comes across a bit stupid sometimes

JOWETT: Like when?

RYAN: Ermm well once, when we were driving through Manchester, Joel looks out the tour bus window and goes “Fu*kin hell! There are shanty towns in Manchester!” I had a look and they were just allotments


MIKE: Yeah once he was reading the newspaper and shouted over to me “Mike, have you seen this headline!? ‘Man arrested for heckling tiger’! How mad is that?” So I said “Are you sure that’s the full story mate?” and he goes “Yeah…..Oh wait, nah there is a picture of Tiger Woods here, never mind”


JOWETT: They make a good point, Joel

JOEL: Mmm well i just don’t have common sense, that’s all. I beat everyone at monopoly the other day!


RYAN: (Laughing) That’s true actually

JOWETT: Well for starters, why wasn’t I invited to play?

RYAN: Don’t know, you weren’t around

JOWETT: Okay. Why did you decide to play monopoly? Not very Rock ‘n’ Roll is it?

RYAN: It chill’s us out

JOWETT: Even Mike?

MIKE: Yeah I played

JOWETT: Christ. You play a lot of board games then?

RYAN: Yeah, we need some different ones actually. I’m getting bored with Monopoly

MIKE: Yeah, I saw a load in a shop the other day. Did you know you can get board games of TV shows?

JOWETT: Yeah I saw one for ‘Friends’ once

MIKE: That’s just weird. They will have them for specific celebrities next. You are the lead singer of Coldplay, go back six spaces for being a smug cu*t


MIKE: You are Michael Jackson


MIKE: You pushed the boundaries of babysitting again, pay off his mum or go back five spaces


JOWETT: (Laughing) Okay. Right, he didn’t mean that. Let’s quickly brush over that. What’s your problem with Chris Martin?

MIKE: I just don’t like him or his music

RYAN: Mike lost out the Chris Martin in some poll that the NME was running and he didn’t like it

MIKE: What!? Shut up

RYAN: So in a new low for professionalism, Mike, keyed his car


MIKE: (Laughing) That’s not true. He did cut me up once, when I was driving out of the BBC

RYAN: Whatever. I’ve seen your driving, it was probably your fault. He never checks his mirrors

MIKE: Tut I never check my mirrors? You don’t know where im looking

RYAN: (Laughing) Is that what you said to your driving instructor after he failed you


JOWETT: Wow, you really don’t like good old Chris Martin then do ya?

MIKE: No, I don’t like him but i wouldn’t say anything about him on this

JOWETT: But say you met him face to face, what would you say?

MIKE: I would say you’re a pri*k


MIKE: You’re a complete tw*t


MIKE: You’re a fu*king talentless…


JOWETT: OKAY! it’s probably best that we end that there. Until next time!


If you have any questions for the lads, send them in!

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Back again. I dont know why I write this little bit at the beginning anymore, you know the deal….

JOWETT: Hello! Back again for a new interview with Ryan, Mike and Joel

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Joel is becoming a bit of a permanent fixture on these posts isn’t he?

RYAN: He is yeah

JOWETT: Do you enjoy doing these, Joel?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Good. I had noticed you don’t say much while you are actually on tape though

JOEL: Yeah well

JOWETT: So to get you more involved I have asked you to do something haven’t I?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Go on,  explain

JOEL: You have told me to do a film review of any film that I wanted

JOWETT: Yep. And what film did you choose?

JOEL: ‘The Ring’


JOWETT: Ignore them, Joel, I don’t know why they are laughing

MIKE: It’s not exactly a recent film is it? People usually review recent films that other people haven’t seen

JOEL: I hadn’t seen it, I only watched it the other day

MIKE: That’s not my point….

JOWETT: Leave it. Go on Joel why did you review it?

JOEL: Well, I hadn’t seen it before and I heard it was good

JOWETT: Fair enough. Take it away…

JOEL: Now?


JOEL: Okay. Erm The Ring. It starts off with these two girls talking about a cursed video tape at a sleepover

JOWETT: I’m gonna stop you there Joel, You are probably better off summarising it than actually going through the whole script, it’s a long film


JOEL: Okay. There is this video tape that is cursed and is killing anyone who watches it, right?


JOEL: Whenever someone watches it, they get a phone call straight after telling them that they are going to die in seven days. Then after seven days a girl climbs through the TV and kills you


JOEL: So the film follows a reporter that is trying to find out information about the film and her son accidentally watches it and so she tries to save him

JOWETT: Yeah..

JOEL: Well that’s it really

JOWETT: (Sarcastically) Brilliant


JOWETT: That’s it is it? You haven’t told us what you think of it or anything!

JOEL: Well it went on a bit and it wasn’t very realistic


JOWETT: (Sarcastically) REALLY!? a film about a girl that comes through the TV and kills you, seven days after watching a video! That’s not realistic enough for you?

JOEL: Well obviously, but I noticed some flaws in the plot

JOWETT: Go on…

JOEL: Even if i had watched that tape, i reckon I could have avoided dying


JOEL: Well you have seven days to come up with a plan on how to avoid getting caught. That’s plenty of time to come up with a plan of action!


JOWETT: So you would have brain stormed it would ya?

JOEL: Yeah. I came up with a few ideas actually

JOWETT: Oh god, this should be good, Go on….

JOEL: Firstly, you could just get rid of your TV

Laughter from all over the room


JOEL: Secondly, if you don’t want to get rid of your TV because it was expensive or something, on the seventh day, just turn the TV on its front and sit on it

Laughter again from all over. This went on for quite a while

JOWETT: I’m dying here Joel, I can’t breathe mate

JOEL: The last one I thought of was, on the seventh day, tell all of you’re mates to tool up, get them all round your house, sit in front of the TV, and wait for her..

JOWETT: (While laughing) Genius, he’s a fu*king genius!

Laughter again for a bit

JOWETT: Oh christ. Well! Thank you Joel!

MIKE: That was quite good

RYAN: It was

JOWETT: You should speak more often, honestly

JOEL: Maybe

JOWETT: What else can you do?

JOEL: I can do impressions

JOWETT: Right. That’s not going to work on a written format….but i kinda want to hear them anyway. Do one quickly

JOEL: (Weird high-pitched voice) Hello everyone

JOWETT: James Blunt?

JOEL: Close, Kermit the frog


JOWETT: How is that close?

JOEL: Same voice pitch frequency

JOWETT: But one is made out of felt!

RYAN: Who else can you do?

JOEL: Erm (Same weird high-pitched voice) This post is sponsored by the letter A


JOWETT: Right, James blunt was never on Sesame Street

JOEL: It was elmo!

JOWETT: Can you do any celebrities that aren’t made out of fury material?

JOEL: Err depends, what was Gonzo?

JOWETT: A muppet

JOEL: Then no


JOWETT: Right I think it’s time we ended this. Thank’s for reading! Until next time! Goodbye

A little more lighthearted and less liable this week! I realised most of it was just just four idiots giggling and am awaiting a cease and desist email from the creator of the Teletubbies.  Keep spreading the word!

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New Interview! You know the score


JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Howdy

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Right, remember last week when i got you to review King-Dom’s tracks that he sent us?

RYAN: Yeah?

MIKE: God, he hasn’t sent more has he?

JOWETT: Not quite. I have his mobile number here and he asked me to ring his during the next interview and put it on speakerphone


MIKE: You are joking?


RYAN: Why?

JOWETT: He wants a word. He’s a fan

RYAN: But he doesn’t know who we are

JOWETT: Yeah (Pause) about that…

MIKE: You fffff

JOWETT: It was an accident! I sorta slipped up and gave out vital information and he guessed. He wont tell anyone, if he does, we’ll kill him. Anyway I’m going to ring it now

MIKE: I can’t believe this

RYAN: I know. Shocking!

JOWETT: Shut up its ringing!

(Pause while sound of ring tone plays)

KING-DOM: Hello?



JOWETT: It’s Jowett. You alright mate?

KING-DOM: Yeah thanks mate!

JOWETT: Say hello to Dom, Ryan

RYAN: Hello mate!

KING-DOM: Hello!


MIKE: Do one you talentless little toad


JOWETT: (Laughing) MICHAEL! I’m sorry about that Dom, he doesn’t mean it!

MIKE: I do! You’re in trouble too, Jowett! telling him who we are!

JOWETT: Yeah you know who the band are don’t ya Dom?

KING-DOM: Yeah you’re defiantly *********


MIKE: Unbelievable

JOWETT: It’s okay he’s a fan! He’s not going to say anything, are ya, Dom?

KING-DOM: Nah i wouldn’t say anything! I am a fan! OH! Can I remix you?


KING-DOM: Oh come on, please! Do you know what it would do to my career?

MIKE: Do you know what it would do to mine?


JOWETT: (Laughing) Okay, we are gonna have to go, Dom. Bye

KING-DOM: Okay, bye!

JOWETT: King-Dom there! What a nice lad! Okay then let’s move on

RYAN: What just happened?

MIKE: He could end up being a psychopath you know! Track us down and stalk us!

JOWETT: Why would he stalk you!

MIKE: I don’t know! He could be mental! He could follow me home one night and stab me!


JOWETT: I don’t think so,  Mike

MIKE: Well that’s what happened to that rapper, DJ Ironic! He was stabbed!

JOWETT: Was he?

MIKE: Yeah! he survived it like. I read an interview with him after he recovered. He reckoned it was because the person who stabbed him was after his jewelry. It wasn’t, I just wanted to stab him


JOWETT: (Laughing) Ooookay then. That was obviously a joke by Mike, before any lawyers come a calling. Right then! (Pause) You alright Joel? You were very quiet through that

JOEL: Yeah i’m sound

JOWETT: Good. Right I have a news story here. “Ewok and Harry Potter Goblin Actor touched himself in front of teen girl”


MIKE: Go on

JOWETT: “Actor Nicholas Read, who played an Ewok in Star Wars and a goblin in Harry Potter, touched himself on a train in front of a teenage girl, a court has heard”


JOWETT: “Read undid his trousers and placed his hand underneath a juggler’s hat on his crotch – in full view of a 17-year-old – last October, it was alleged. The actor, from Cheadle in Stoke-on-Trent was travelling north from London after judging a croquet competition when the incident is said to have occurred, Leicester crown court was told” (Laughs) Juggler hat! There are too many jokes, we will resist them because we are better than that!

RYAN: Yep!

JOWETT: “The court heard that he had drunk half a bottle of gin, provided by the competition’s sponsors, after the event”

MIKE: Honestly? Is this true?


MIKE: A drunk dwarf was flashing kids from under a juggling hat?


MIKE: Mental. It could have been worse I suppose. I imagine if he was dressed as a goblin at the time. You would lose you’re fu*kin mind!

JOWETT: Nicholas read told the court he was “a born entertainer”


JOWETT: That sounds like his defense “Come oonnnnnnnn, I’m a born entertainer!”


JOWETT: We have a picture of him here actually

MIKE: Let’s have a look


MIKE: (Laughing) Well. Clearly, fame has gone to his head




JOWETT: I’m sorry about that, readers. The story goes on “Read said: ‘I’ve worked in entertainment since I was 12, mostly costume work for films, television, theatre and pantomime.’


JOWETT: It really is hard not to laugh at this. I feel bad, but, when he said “I’ve worked in entertainment since I was 12!” the jury must have all looked at each other and he went “Well…..mostly costume work” Obviously, like he realised people probably wouldn’t recognise him from anything unless he was covered in fur


JOWETT: I must point out that he denies all charges and it’s on going. Right we better rap this up! Say goodbye lads!



JOWETT: Goodbye!


Sorry to King-Dom for the abuse and sorry to anyone that was offended. Keep spreading the word! Untill next time!







Get On the Band Wagon!




Hello! Back once again with a new interview. It’s been a while due to studio time and such. So here you go!

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Back with another interview. At the end of the last one I asked you to listen to some music that was sent in by a fan. They asked us to listen to it and see what we think. You listened to it, didn’t you?

MIKE: Yeah. Who was it by again?

JOWETT: Erm (Pause) A young DJ called King-dom

MIKE: Right

JOWETT: So, what did you think?

MIKE: W*nk!


JOWETT: Oh come on! That’s not fair!

RYAN: I didn’t mind it! Thought it wasn’t bad!

JOWETT: Yeah i thought it was okay! Why didn’t you like it, Mike?

MIKE: I listened to like three tracks, and it’s just him badly remixing other people’s songs! So unoriginal! I hate artists that do that. Black eyed peas have been doing it for too long


MIKE: They are like tramps in supermarkets, living off samples


JOWETT: Okay lets move this along. So! Whats new?

MIKE: I have been house hunting

JOWETT: Have you?

MIKE: Yep!

JOWETT: Found anything?

MIKE: Mmm still looking

RYAN: I remember the days when you were on the drugs and owed money ect. So when inspecting new flats you would boot the front door to see if it could be easily kicked in


RYAN: You should have seen the look on the tenants face. I would be asking questions about the bathroom and there would be Mike throwing himself at the door

MIKE: Well. Just checking

JOWETT: Right. You been up to anything, Ryan?

RYAN: I was nearly in a car accident. Is that interesting?

JOWETT: Sure! What happened?

RYAN: Was driving back from the studio and someone pulled out on me

JOWETT: Oh right. I thought it was going to be more serious

RYAN: Well. Still! That’s how Rob Collins died!


RYAN: Rob Collins! Keyboard player in ‘The Charlatans’. H as driving back from the studio and dies in a car accident. Someone drove into him I think. Imagine if you were that person driving and you accidentally kill someone and then realise that they are famous

JOWETT: Yeah, or Rob Collins


MIKE: (Laughing) He was famous Jowett!

JOWETT: Okay. I will move this along before we get complaints for Charlatans fans. I want to resurrect a game that we played earlier. Mike can kick it off

MIKE: The dad one?


MIKE: Okay. I will give you the names of three celebrities and you have to decide which one you want as your dad. I will use the three celebrities that we selected at random from a magazine we had earlier

OKAY: You have to choose out of, Tiger Woods, Noel Edmunds and Tom Cruise


Tiger Woods

Noel Edmunds

Tom Cruise

RYAN: So random

MIKE: I know but we chose them out of a magazine. Now think about this properly, you might want Noel Edmunds kindness


JOWETT: I need to point out, for our american fans, who Noel Edmunds is. He is a Game show host in England. He was first famous for Noel’s house party. Google it. Okay, we will do this on Joel because he has kept quiet through the whole interview and he wasn’t around when we did it earlier

MIKE: Okay then Joel, choose one

JOEL: Erm Tiger Woods

MIKE:  Even though he would cheat on your mum?


JOEL: Good point. Tom Cruise?

MIKE: Even though he’s a pr*ck?


JOEL: I’m not having Noel Edmunds as my dad

JOWETT: What’s wrong with Noel?

JOEL: I wouldn’t want to live with him and that giant pink muppet, Mr Blobby!

Mr Blobby


JOWETT: What? Joel that was just a TV show mate, he didn’t live with Mr Blobby in real life!

Still Laughter

MIKE: Mr Blobby? I don’t think you can class him as a muppet, it was a bloke in a suit

JOEL: Well Big Bird from Sesame Street was a bloke in a suit, he was classed as a muppet!

MIKE: What!? Big Bird was like 8 feet tall you mug! That was never a bloke in a suit!


RYAN: What were Fraggles then?

MIKE: Muppets

JOEL: Thunderbirds?


JOWETT: (Laughing) RIGHT! Stop it now! I’m not sure where i lost this conversation but I’m nipping it in the bud. I know Joel, and if I let this continue he will go on until he’s asking what Simon Cowell is

MIKE: A c*nt


JOWETT: Thanks for that, Michael

MIKE: No problem

JOWETT: Someone has just emerged to take you lot away so we will have to cut it short. Say goodbye!




JOWETT: Until next time!

I am realising these interviews are getting shorter because of bad timing but I will plan ahead in future. If you have any questions or topics you want us to discuss, send us an email or a comment!