Joel explain in detail how he’s going to hurt you and Mike phones in

Posted: November 30, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , ,

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: We are back again! I’m afraid, Mike, isn’t with us because he is up north taking part in a documentary. BUT, we will still be able to include him as we are going to ring him and feed it into the studio. Just waiting for it to be sorted. In the meantime, you alright lad’s?

RYAN: Yeah

JOEL: Yeah


JOEL: I chipped my tooth


JOEL: Yeah


JOWETT: We should probably get Mike on the phone soon


JOWETT: Go on, how did you chip you’re tooth?

JOEL: Not too sure. Got to go to the dentist soon. I haven’t had to have anything done to my teeth in ages

RYAN: Remember when you head….sorry ‘broke someone’s mouth with your head’?

JOWETT: You mean you head butted someone?

JOEL: No no. Just broke someone’s mouth with my forehead

JOWETT: I don’t understand….

RYAN: He’s not allowed to say the word ‘headbutt’. It implies he purposely meant to smash-up someone’s mouth

JOWETT: Says who?

JOEL: Lawyer

JOWETT: I see. Off the record though, I’m assuming you meant to head butt someone?

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: When he found this loop-hole, he always used it before starting a fight with someone


RYAN: Some bloke was knocking into him, in a club. So Joel turns to him and says “If you don’t stop, mate, I’m going to put my head through your teeth”


JOWETT: But you are definitely describing a headbutt to the victim, before you have done it

JOEL: Still counts

JOWETT: Hang on a sec….is it done? Yeah? Okay

MIKE: Hello?

JOWETT: Hello? Mike?

MIKE: Howdy

JOWETT: Can you hear us all clearly?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Good. You are up north, aren’t ya?

MIKE: I am. Manchester

JOWETT: Want to explain why you are there?

MIKE: I am taking part in an interview for a documentary. I have been up to other stuff as well. I’m living in some country house. Only been here three bloody days and I owe a girl a new horse…I mean promised a girl a horse


JOWETT: What!? You promised a girl a horse?……a NEW horse?…..have you killed some girl’s horse?

MIKE: ………I didn’t say that

JOWETT: That’s what it sounds like. Explain

MIKE: Move it along, Jowett

JOWETT: Hmm fine. You ready for this documentary?

MIKE: Yeah, I have got it typed out in front of me

JOWETT: (To Ryan) I did that for him

RYAN: Did you?

JOWETT: Yeah. Tell us what you are going to talk about

MIKE: Just about the record label and the bands that have been on it


MIKE: And how I ‘m the most influential artist on it

JOWETT: It doesn’t say that on the script

MIKE: It does


MIKE: At the bottom….in green crayon


JOWETT: I told you not to edit it!

MIKE: Yeah, well

JOWETT: I knew you would mess with it

RYAN: He did. Jowett has been slagging you off while you have been away, mate

JOWETT: (Laughing) I haven’t

MIKE: What’s he said?

JOWETT: Nothing

MIKE: Look, you can tell me now and the punishment will only be half as bad as it could be

RYAN: He said you would be lazy about it and probably f*ck it up

MIKE: RIGHT! You wait now!

JOWETT: I’m not scared of you

MIKE: You should be

JOWETT: Nah, because I know exactly what you are going to do. You always use the same revenge tactic. You send a positive pregnancy test in the post with a note that says “Unlucky!”


MIKE: I’m not going to do that actually!

RYAN: He can’t because the woman he got to use the pregnancy tests has had her baby now

JOWETT: What then?

MIKE: You are about to be strongly linked with the death of a horse


JOWETT: What have you done!

MIKE: You don’t need to know. Ryan? Do you know where you can get me a horse?

RYAN: Afraid not, mate

MIKE: Damn. Joel?…..I don’t know why I am asking you. Will probably suggest sellotaping a few dogs together


JOWETT: You better be taking this documentary seriously!

MIKE: I AM! Don’t change the subject, Jowett! You are having it, you are!

JOWETT: Psh you can’t prove anything. I have alibi’s, mate!

MIKE: Well I can……drop subliminal messaging into this documentary

JOWETT: Like what?

MIKE: Like this “So the early 2000’s JOWETT was an important TOUCHES time for new KIDS!”



JOWETT: Oh yeah! Like that will get used.

MIKE: I will be more subtle than that. I’m telling ya, when I’m finished there will be people burning down your house and even THEY won’t know why they are doing it!


JOWETT: Cut him off

MIKE: I’m going now anyway. I’m back tomorrow, ready to watch police crash through your flat windows


JOWETT: He’s gone now. We better wrap this up anyway. Until next time!

  1. the master says:

    So much intrigue in this post. How (or with who’s face) did Joel chip his tooth? What happened to that horse? What will Mike’s revenge be? Tune in to find out, same batshit time, same batshit channel!

    “Sellotaping a few dogs together” Damn, you guys rule.

  2. susielindau says:

    Okay so you lads covered a LOT of ground today begging many questions. You never got back to the record label. We never really heard what instigated the chipped tooth or the saga with the girl who had the baby. I’ll be on the edge of my seat waiting for the revenge!
    BTW my husband’s wild friends got into a head butting craze for a while until one of them got a huge goose egg on his wedding day and his future wife about killed him!

  3. wingoov says:

    I love these guys! And you’ve, very artfully, left us with a cliffhanger here, too. Will Mike find a new horse? Will he seek revenge on you, and, if so, what form will that take? Will your house be left standing when it’s all done? Will we be hearing from you behind bars? Will Joel get his tooth fixed? Will he continue to avoid law suits by his clever use of the warning: “If you don’t stop, mate, I’m going to put my head through your mouth…”? I wait with ‘bated breath (baited breath?…maybe…but minty fresh baited breath) to learn what you hooligans manage to get yourselves into in the next episode.

  4. Casey_Leigh says:

    thanks for liking one of my posts!

  5. Every time I tune in here I learn new and deeply meaningful things. And snort with unladylike laughter. Thanks!

  6. kayjai says:

    Yeah! What she said!

  7. sfbell09 says:

    Terrific stuff! I can hear the conversation with full accents and inflections in my head.

  8. William says:

    Something similar happened to me in school playing touch football. I turned around and my friend ran into my head with his mouth. I went to hospital to get stitches and everyone else was searching the grass for his chipped tooth. Someone eventually had the bright idea to look in my forehead and voila. The surgeons extracted the chip from my forehead and had it reattached to my friend’s tooth. It was later knocked out again by a flying fox swing

  9. theduffboy says:

    I’m having a Godfather flashback now (dead horse)… thank you!

  10. playnrewind says:

    I’m hooked! Great blog, I’ll be back soon.

  11. Cave Story says:

    M: “Excuse me. If you don’t stop, imma put my forehead thru your teeth.”
    O: “Are you threatening me?”
    M: “No, I’m just promising you something for what you are doing.”
    Well, as usual…your blog is funny in an innocent manner. I really like it 🙂

  12. I love your stuff so I gave you an award. Don’t feel obligated to acknowledge it, though. Just thought you’d want to know.

  13. KStormy says:

    Great dialogue! Intriguing and mysterious- why am I so curious about the horse? Looking forward to more manic adventures.!

  14. zencherry says:

    Weird. I somehow feel the urge to go buy a horse and kick the crap out of Jowett…awesomeness you guys. Fantastic as always. 😉

  15. bedstuychick says:

    I love a good “not headbutting but yeah, headbutting” story…

  16. eof737 says:

    Looking forward to the answers to the many questions this post raises. Keep ’em coming! 🙂

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