RYAN: What’s this for again?

JOWETT: Just a catch up

MIKE: Why does it need to be recorded?

JOWETT: I was going to put it on the blog. I’ve researched stuff to talk about

MIKE: Nah

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: Can we just have a normal chat without it being recorded? We have been getting on well lately. This is going to ruin it

JOWETT: (Tut’s) These conversations have never made you fall out!

RYAN: They have actually

JOWETT: When?

RYAN: Apparently I said something about Mike that upset him. A few days later we were in the studio and Mike had to take me to one side and warn me about it

JOWETT: (Laughs) He took you to one side?

MIKE: YES! There was no one else in the room, that’s how upset I was about it!

JOWETT: Okay I will try and set any of you up for ridicule. On a different matter, I have done some research on Mike’s family tree

MIKE:….Great start

JOWETT: Problem?

MIKE: Well you have obviously done this to make a fool out of me and my past

JOWETT: I promise you, I haven’t

MIKE: What have you found then?

JOWETT: You never told us your grandfather used to be a hairdresser?

Ryan sniggers

JOWETT: Ryan!

RYAN: Sorry

MIKE: Yeah it’s true, so what? Nothing wrong with that

JOWETT: Nope. And your great uncle was a dancer?

MIKE: Err yeah, that’s true

JOWETT: Your great grandfather…..was a florist

Ryan laughs

MIKE: Tell him, Jowett! My family was hard!

JOWETT: (Laughing) Stop it, Ryan

RYAN: Oh come on! Your family tree is full of effeminate jobs!

MIKE: It’s not!

RYAN: Is George Michael your dad?

MIKE: RIGHT! Jowett, keep going until you find something good

JOWETT: Your great grandfather was a deserter in the war

RYAN: Priceless

MIKE: I said good, Jowett!

JOWETT: Your Great great Aunt was married to a miner

MIKE: HA! GUTTED! My family isn’t full of girly men, because you have to be tough to be a miner

JOWETT: Sorry, I meant to say your great aunt was married to a minor. The boy was 12 when they started their relationship

Laughter

MIKE: I don’t want to know anymore

JOWETT: Luckily, neither do I

MIKE: I don’t understand it. This is why my ancestry was kept from me. I was hoping these was at least some sort of hardcore army officer!

RYAN: It comes to something when your hoping one of your ancestors was a Nazi so your not a laughing stock

JOWETT: SO WHATS NEW?

Laughter

JOEL: I have a new pet

JOWETT: I heard! Is this because of the advance you all got?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: What is it?

JOEL: Snake

JOWETT: Really? How much?

JOEL: 300 quid

JOWETT: That’s not that bad. What’s it’s name?

JOEL: Chris Brown

Laughter

JOWETT:…….Your snake is called Chris Brown?

JOEL: Why?

JOEL: Dunno. The place I bought it from named it that

JOWETT: And you didn’t think to ask why?

JOEL: They said they would give it to me for 300 if I didn’t ask

JOWETT:………..Okay, probably best

MIKE: I bet I can hazard a guess why it’s called that

JOWETT: Mmm I don’t think you can (Taps the tape recorder)

MIKE: (Tut’s) Fine. But the money he has spent on treatment for Chris Brown, is ridiculous

JOWETT: Like?

MIKE: He took it to a posh vet’s and they must of seen Joel coming a mile off (Mocking voice) “I’m afraid Chris Brown has got Alzheimer’s”

Laughter

MIKE: So he forked out for treatment, like an idiot

JOWETT: I see. Why didn’t you take it to a normal vet?

JOEL: Because my closest vet has a reputation for touching animals inappropriatly

JOWETT: That’s not true!

JOEL: It is

JOWETT: What vet is this?

JOEL: ********* Vet’s

JOWETT: Now you have just said their name on tape

JOEL: Well it’s true!

JOWETT: It’s not, Joel

JOEL: ……..It’s true I heard it

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm well, see you in court mate!

JOEL: Whatever

JOWETT: So all this has cost you a lot of money then?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: And trying to find female mice in bulk for Chris Brown is expensive, ay Joel

Laughter

JOWETT: OH COME ON!

Hello!

After the success of the last ‘Jowett’s post’ I have decided to do more of them. This on will be focusing on life after the cameras stopped rolling on some of the worlds most popular films. What happened next to in the world of these amazing characters? Well, I’ll tell you….

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Story

Well you know the story. An eccentric man, Willy Wonker, that owns a spectacular, world renowned chocolate factory and let’s a select group of people inside to take a tour. By the end of the tour, the group has been whittled down to just one 10 year old boy named Charlie and his grandfather. As he was the last child standing he was given the opportunity to help run the chocolate factory along side Mr Wonker, he accepted and they lived happily ever after…

What Happened Next?

Well it turned out Mr Wonker wasn’t a well man. His decision to let a group of random children enter his top secret factory was fulled by a heavy dose of prescription drugs. The period was known by insiders as ‘Will’s mad month’ where he would make knee jerk decisions like sacking an Oompa-Loompa for looking at him “The wrong way”. Anyway, after he made the offer to Charlie, his medication fulled rampage wore off a day later. He couldn’t remember a thing, feared the worst and set up a meeting with his lawyers

WILLY WONKER: I’m sacred I might have done something bad again

LAWYER: I’m afraid you have Mr Wonker

WILLY WONKER: Go on, give it to me straight……

LAWYER: Well would you like the good news or the bad news?

WILLY WONKER: Bad news…..

LAWYER: You have signed over half your equity to a 10 year old boy..

WILLY WONKER: Oh your joking?

LAWYER: The good news is he will be half culpable for the deaths of the 4 children that took place whilst on the factory property

WILLY WONKER:……Shithouse

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the king

The Story

The ring has been destroyed, order has been restored and the crusaders have been celebrated for their efforts

What Happened Next?

After A weeks worth of long drunken parties that go into the early hours of the morning with the rest of the crusaders, Merry and Pippin get back to the shire. Shortly after Merry get’s a visit from the police. An female elf has filed a complaint of sexual assault against Merry. Merry obviously denied the accusations but the Police have  to come and question both Merry and Pippin on their whereabouts on the nights of the assault. After giving statements, it was apparent that both Merry and Pippin where in the same place as the Elf. After going over their recollection of the night, Merry started to become worne down and aggitated…

OFIFICER: Once more, I want to hear what happened again at the post ring destruction party

MERRY: (Desperate) I’ve already told you what happened!

OFFICER: I want to hear it again. And see if it matches my notes

MERRY: I spent most of the night just in the corner of the room, I’ve told you!

OFFICER: Well what were you doing in the corner at 1.30am?

MERRY: I dunno, just demolishing another thirst quencher, probably

PIPPIN: ‘Thirst Quencher’ is Merry’s slang for Elf (Laughs)

Merry and Pippin share a laugh followed by an awkward pause

MERRY: He’s joking….

OFFICER: Merry Brandybuck, I’m arresting you on suspicion…….

Pippin was cleared on all counts of sexual assault and it was put to bed. Shortly after Frodo returned he realised the last time he saw his wallet was in Mordor. His reaction could be heard across The Shire

Rise of the planet of the apes

The Story

Dr William Rodman has accidentally created a virus that enhances intelligence in apes. This had led them to break out of captivity and rampage across the world

What Happened next?

After secretly being smug at his backfiring virus, he seeks legal advice on his involvement in the end of mankind….

LAWYER: How can I help you Mr Rodman?

WILL RODMAN: Errr I may have done something bad. And It could get worse

LAWYER: Okay, what have you done?

WILL RODMAN: Well, you see that Gorilla out there, smashing up that Mazda?

LAWYER: …..Woah

WILL RODMAN: Yeah. I did that

LAWYER: I see

WILL RODMAN: I’m in trouble, aren’t I?

LAWYER: Erm

A human corpse comes through the window

LAWYER: Yeah

It didn’t make any difference, mankind was doomed. Will Rodman now lives in New York, in a stolen fancy dress, gorilla outfit.

RYAN: What are we waiting for?

JOWETT: Mike. He’s on the phone

RYAN: Just start without him

JOWETT: Nah I’m going to wait until he decides to not to be a pain

MIKE: Hang on a second phil. You will be waiting a while, Jowett. Sorry Phil, carry on

RYAN: Come on, Jowett, start without him

JOWETT: No! Why are you talking to Phil?

MIKE: (Put’s hand over the phone) He is sorting stuff out for me

JOWETT: What?

MIKE: He’s looking at work that needs to be done to my new house

JOWETT: This can wait until after, surely? This is rude

MIKE:It won’t take long

JOWETT: Put him on loud-speaker, might as well involve him

MIKE: Okay. You are on loud-speaker, Phil

PHIL: Okay

JOWETT: Hi Phil

PHIL: Hello

JOWETT: How’s thi..

MIKE: Bit rude Jowett. I was in the middle of something…

JOWETT: There are no words to…

MIKE: Phil, what did you ask before?

PHIL: Do you want me to add a cat flap?

MIKE: No

PHIL: Why?

MIKE: Because I don’t have a cat

PHIL: Do you have a dog?

MIKE: Yes

PHIL: Do you want…

MIKE: No I don’t want a dog flap

PHIL: Why?

MIKE: I don’t think they exist for a start

PHIL: They do, I have one

MIKE: Really?

PHIL: Yeah, actually had it put in last week. The dog just runs in and out of it all day

MIKE: What dog do you have?

PHIL: Great Dane

JOWETT: A Great Dane? That must be a big flap. Are you not worried someone will climb in and rob your house?

PHIL:…Shi (Hangs up)

MIKE: Phil?…Phil?..He’s gone. Go o then Jowett, you have my undivided attention

JOWETT: Good. I want to talk to you all about the interview you gave, last week, for a magazine. More importantly when asked about the Pussy Cat dolls comeback

MIKE: What about it?

JOWETT: Well for a start, it’s never going to be published

RYAN: Why?

JOWETT: Because we asked them not to

MIKE: I cancelled stuff to be at that interview! What was wrong with it?

JOWETT: Well let’s see. When asked if you knew anything about the new Pussy Cat Dolls you said yes. Why?

MIKE: I can’t remember

JOWETT: Let’s jog your memory. When asked “Do you know any information about the new Pussy Cat doll group” Mike said “I know that there is now enough of them to set up a charity for rejected members”

MIKE: (Laughs) Yeah. I did say that

JOWETT: Which leads me to their next question “Have you ever met any of the Pussy Cat Dolls?” To which Joel replied “Yeah I met one of the old ones. She seemed very bitter and almost threatening. I was scared of her. But I know her quite well now and she’s alright” Joel, you have never met any member of the Pussy Cat dolls

JOEL: I have!

JOWETT: No mate, you haven’t. Then as the reporter obviously got excited at getting some inside information on them, she asked you for some facts about them that fans might not know

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Joel replied “They are more scared of you, than you are of them” No Joel, that’s a fact about spiders

Laughter

JOEL: ….Still applies to them

JOWETT: You clearly didn’t think to stop either when she said “Anything else?” and you said “They will come into your house seeking warmth in the winter” That’s STILL spiders

Laughter

MIKE: Is there a conclusion to this lecture?

JOWETT: Don’t give interviews on info about other pop stars ever again, okay?

MIKE: Christ, fine!

JOWETT: Good!

Pause

MIKE:You haven’t said anything about my new iPhone…

JOWETT: …So?

MIKE: It’s brilliant, thanks for asking. Does literally anything and everything

JOWETT: Brilliant, let’s move…

RYAN: Can you find out what the weather is going to be like tomorrow?

MIKE: Psh! what planet?

RYAN: Mars?

MIKE: Raining, all day

JOWETT: I don’t think that…

JOEL: Can it tell me what Goofy is?

MIKE: There is an app for that!

RYAN: Can it weedle out which members of the private security industry are actually closet homosexuals

MIKE: There’s an app for..

JOWETT: There is NOT and app for…

Mike shows Jowett his screen

JOWETT:…..My god

MIKE: I downloaded a ‘Race Card’ app the other day

JOWETT: What’s the point in that? You can’t use it

MIKE: Meh

JOEL: What’s a ‘Race Card’

JOWETT:…… Untill next time, it’s goodby

Laughter

MIKE: Woah woah hang on. Are you not going to answer him?

JOWETT: NO, no I’m not and neither are..

MIKE: The ‘Race Card’ is a..

JOWETT: Don’t do this, come on

JOEL: I think I know what it is anyway

MIKE: Go on..

JOWETT: Okay but be careful

JOEL: If, say, a black person believes he or she is being taken advantage of because of their race..

JOWETT: Yeahhhh?

JOEL: They can then use the ‘Race Card’…

JOWETT: Yeahhhh?

JOEL: And say “I challenge you to a race because I know I will win, because I’m black”…That’s right, isn’t it?

JOWETT:……Yep. Goodbye!

Laughter

 

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Howdy

JOWETT: We are back! We have been gone a while…

RYAN: How long?

JOWETT: Christmas was the last one

RYAN: Woah

JOWETT: I know! We have been really busy though!

RYAN: True

JOWETT: Mike isn’t here at the moment, but he is on his way back from a party. So because he’s not here, in the interest of fairness, we can say what we like about him!

RYAN: I wouldn’t. He’s angrier now he’s sober. He got a brand new hairdresser sacked last month before he had even touched a hair on his head

JOWETT: How?

RYAN: Because Mike sat in front of the mirror ready to get a trim and the hairdresser put his hand on his shoulders, looked at him through the mirror and said “Isn’t hair weird!”

Laughter

RYAN: He had to go after that. Mike couldn’t trust him

JOWETT: Yeah. I must point out to the readers that Mike has given up alcohol

RYAN: For lent

JOWETT: Psh come on. He’s been told he has to by..

RYAN: Don’t. We have to say that. He get’s angry if you suggest he has to give it up for health reasons

JOWETT: Why?

RYAN: He doesn’t like the idea of being ‘past it’

JOWETT: (Tut’s) Okay. He’s given it up for Dr Lent

Laughter

JOWETT: I’ve compromised. You alright Joel?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: How was your Christmas?

JOEL: Good!

JOWETT: Good presents?

JOEL: Yep

JOWETT: What did I get you?

JOEL: A new hand puppet

JOWETT: Yep. You like like it?

JOEL: Love it! I take it around with me. Got it here

(Joel goes into his bag and put’s on a sock puppet)

JOWETT: Aww….bit weird but hey. Don’t give this one to Mike

JOEL: I won’t

JOWETT: Mike did stuff to your last oine didn’t he?

Joel nod’s solomnly

JOWETT: Had to burn it. Anyway!…

RYAN: Before you start a new conversation, have you moved that bottle of Captin Morgans from studio desk?

JOWETT: No. Why?

RYAN: I have been looking for it for ages. Was gonna have a glass to loosen me up for this

JOWETT: Sorry mate. When did you last see it?

RYAN: Hours ago. I was with Mike and….ah

JOWETT: What?

RYAN: He’s had it hasn’t he?

JOWETT: Nah he promised he was off it, didn’t he?

RYAN: Yeah but he was moaning he couldn’t drink at this party. He’s had it

JOWETT: Now come on, mate. It could be anywhere!

Mike crashes through the doors on a pogo stick

MIKE: Waaaaaaaaaaay!

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Yeah, okay, It’s in Mike

Laughter

MIKE: What’s (Pause while he looks around the room) This?

JOWETT: Has someone broken their promise?

MIKE: You what?

JOWETT: You’re drunk, mate

MIKE: Yeah a bit

RYAN: I can smell the booze on you from here. Go have a wash and sober up

MIKE: F*ck you. You know car washes?

JOWETT: Sorry?

MIKE: You know car washes?

JOWETT: Yeah?

MIKE: Mental……aren’t they?

Laughter

Mike get’s up off the ground, staggers about and sit’s next to Joel

MIKE: I can’t even see properly. The first time I met Joel, he told me he had never been in a car wash

JOWETT: What? Even as a kid?

JOEL: No never

MIKE: So I took him! Paid for it too

Laughter

MIKE: You didn’t know WHAT was going on did ya?

JOEL: Mmm no

MIKE: He really had to trust me, because I suppose the first time is a bit unsettling

JOWETT: I suppose so, for children maybe

MIKE: I thought he was gonna try to get out half way through. “BAIL! BAIL!”

Laughter

MIKE: But he didn’t. (Looks at the sock puppet) Who’s your mate?

JOWETT: (Warning tone) No Mike!

MIKE: Can I look at him?

JOEL: Yeah oka…

JOWETT: JOEL!

JOEL: Oh, no sorry

MIKE: (Tut’s) I’m never allowed anything! Apparently I can’t use the water thing down stairs anymore, either

JOWETT: Water thing? The water cooler? You lost your right to the water cooler?

MIKE: It’s not a right, It’s a PRIVILEDGE!…or so reception tells me

Laughter

JOWETT: The party was good then?

MIKE: Yeah. Had to leave early though

RYAN: You did something wrong then?

MIKE: NO!

JOWETT: Mmm ‘out the front early’ or ‘out the back early’?

MIKE: ‘Out the front early’

JOWETT: (To Ryan) Mmm couldn’t have been that bad then

MIKE: I was suggested to leave because I offended someone…apparently

JOWETT: Who?

MIKE: This indian bloke. He is a record executive or something

JOWETT: Offended him?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: Is it a coincidence that he’s foreign? Or is this story based on it

MIKE: That’s for you to decide

JOWETT: Go on….

MIKE: He just comes up to me out of no where and asked if we would perform at his daughters 18th birthday party next month..

JOWETT: And you said….

MIKE: (Indian accent) “Not on your nelly!”

Laughter

JOWETT: You said that?

MIKE: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?

RYAN: Accent

JOEL: Accent

JOWETT: Obviously, the accent

MIKE: Psh

JOWETT: Who’s party was it?

MIKE: Err not sure. It had an Indian theme though (Laughs)

JOWETT: Idiot

MIKE: Do one Jowett!.You do my fu*king head in. I don’t know why I bothered coming here. (Point’s at Jowett) You’re a dick head (Points at Ryan) You’re a dick head (Points at the puppet on Joel’s hand) I don’t even know you, but (Points at Joel) your mate is a dick head

Laughter

JOWETT: Time to wrap this up

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: It’s been great doing this again

MIKE: Jowett?

JOWETT: We aren’t certain how often we can do these interviews so we might do special one’s now and again. So watch this space!

MIKE: Jowett?

Pause

MIKE: Jowett? Jowett?

JOWETT: This better be good..

MIKE: When I do this.(Mike pulls a stupid face) It hurts….

JOWETT: …Don’t do it then

Laughter

JOWETT: Goodbye! Where the fu*ck did you get a pogo stick from at 11 o’clock at night?

 

We are back!

There will be a brand new post coming from the IMONTHEBANDWAGON boys tomorrow. This is first one back since the lengthy break at after Christmas

Watch this space!

 

JOWETT: Hello! Welcome to the I’m On The Band Wagon Christmas post. I’m here with, Joel, Mike and Ryan

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOWETT: And as it’s a special post we have another guest with us. An old favourite. BEAN BAG!

BEAN BAG: Hello

JOWETT: Back again!

BEAN BAG: I am

JOWETT: Right then. Let’s get straight into it! Oh last week, Joel said he was gonna have a go of black magic. How did that go?

MIKE: You had a go, didn’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, nothing seemed to happen. I tried to curse Kelly Clarkson by drawing her face on a potato

Laughter

JOWETT: You drew Kelly Clarkson’s face on a potato? How? And Why?

JOEL: I saw her on one of the music channels and thought “She has put on weight’

JOWETT: So naturally you thought “I’ll kill her”

JOEL: Not kill her, just see if I could influence her life a bit

JOWETT: Right, what did this face look like?

JOEL: Just did it with a black marker pen. I just did two slanted lines for eyes because you can’t really see them anymore

Laughter

RYAN: This is a bit harsh

JOEL: I did the magic on it and then threw it out of the car window when we were moving

JOWETT: And got no results?

JOEL: Not that I know of

JOWETT: So you drew a oriental looking face on a potato and threw it out the window of a moving car?

JOEL:Yeah

JOWETT: You know Kim Jong-il has died, don’t you?

JOEL:……Sh*t. How?

MIKE: Fell out of a moving car

Joel’s mouth drops

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, I saw something trendng on Twitter that I would like to ask one of you. Joel! When did you stop believing in Santa?

JOEL: Errm I think when one Christmas morning, my dad threw up carrott

Laughter

JOEL: He forgot to dispose of it before he went to bed and tried to scoff it down before we noticed

JOWETT: Genius. Anyway, Is everyone ready for Christmas?

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Ryan was ready for Christmas fu*kin ages ago!

RYAN: Just like to get it out of the way

MIKE: He gave me my present like three weeks ago

JOWETT: Impressive. Have you opened it?

MIKE: Yeah

JOWETT: What was it?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Rod Stuart’s greatest hits

JOWETT: What’s wrong with that?

MIKE: I thought it was a joke. I have seen the advert for this album on TV. The voiceover says “It’s all the Rod Stuart you will ever need!”

JOWETT: (Laughs) Yeah?

MIKE: I’ve already got all the Rod Stuart I will ever need. No punch line needed

Laughter

JOWETT: Alright, fair enough. How have you been getting into the Christmas mood? Have any of you been sent to turn on Christmas lights in a city centre?

RYAN: No, but, we have decided if we get any offers we will send Bean Bag

JOWETT: Why?

MIKE: Because we want to see the disappointed look on his face when he stands in front of hundreds of people, presses a button and nothing blows up

JOWETT: Alright. Joel, do you have a Christmas story to tell us?

JOEL: Yeah

Pause

JOWETT: Well….I’m expecting to hear it at some point

Laughter

JOEL: Oh. When I was little, In the days when I believed in santa, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Just before I was about to cross the stairs to go back to my room I thought I heard santa coming up the stairs. So I was trapped. I couldn’t cross the stairs because santa would have seen I was awake and not leave me any presents.

JOWETT: Right

JOEL: So I had to come up with a plan, quickly. I thought ‘If I blind side him as he reaches the top of the stairs and knock him back down the stairs, then he won’t know who did it, I can jump back in bed and he won’t be able to work out who did it’

JOWETT: ……Right. How did that work out for you?

JOEL: My dad now walks with a limp

Laughter

JOWETT: Bean Bag, you got a Christmas story?

BEAN BAG: Yeah I have a Christmas story

JOWETT: Is it a nice story? It’s not weird is it?

BEAN BAG: No

MIKE: I’m going to beg to differ

JOWETT: Really?

MIKE: Yeah. In fact I will bet my place on these interviews that this story will be weird

JOWETT: Oooh Bean Bag! If this story is successfully ‘Not Weird’ then you will get your place back!

BEAN BAG: Right, do you want to leave now, Mike?

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Oooh he’s confident!

MIKE: Just tell the story

BEAN BAG: A couple of years ago, I got a Spiderman video game for my Playstation as a Christmas present

JOWETT: So far so good!

BEAN BAG: I really got into the game and completed it in a few days

JOWETT: Mike, mate, not looking good for you!

BEAN BAG: But It sort of brain washed me and I tried to jump down a flight of stairs in my house and broke my leg

Mike get’s up and bows

Laughter

JOWETT: Well done, Mike

BEAN BAG: That’s not weird

JOWETT: No it is, mate

RYAN: Just be thankful it wasn’t ‘Grand Theft Auto’

MIKE: I bet that sort of game bores you?

BEAN BAG: It does actually

MIKE: (Daft voice) “What’s the point in this game? I’m standing in a alleyway, having killed a prostitute. I did this last week!”

Laughter

PING

JOWETT: ANYWAY!  Mike, finish off this post with a story

MIKE: I have a Christmas story, but it’s one I have told before

JOWETT: Just do it

MIKE: Right well, It’s this friend of a friend who went out on Christmas eve once. This lad got hammered and, you know when you’re hungover and, like, your thoughts and your mouth aren’t connected properly? Well, he was eating his Christmas dinner and his nan was wittering on as your nan does, and he thought to himself,’Oh shut up nan you c*nt’. Then he looked up and everyone was looking at him and his dad went, ‘ I think you’d better take your dinner upstairs and eat in your room’

Laughter

JOWETT: Ahh how lovely. Anyway, that’s it for this post. We will be back after the Christmas break. So to all the readers, Merry Christmas! Goodbye!

Another one of the most popular posts from the archives. This one coming from back in September! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-61

JOWETT: Hello

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOEL: Hi

JOWETT: Before we started this, Mike, was telling a story. Want to share it?

MIKE: Well, last night, I Went to a 24 hour petrol station to get some fags

JOWETT: Cigarettes, for our American readers

MIKE: Yeah. Anyway there were two crack heads in front buying crisps and pop, with a ferret on a lead

Laughter

JOWETT: What did you say when you saw this?

MIKE: Take a bow son!

JOWETT: Course you did. Didn’t strike you as odd?

MIKE: Bloody heroic. Made my life

Laughter

JOWETT: Where do you even get a ferret?

MIKE: Well actually, about two weeks ago, I saw an advertisement in the back of one of the local papers, where they sell stuff which said “Due to unforseen circumstances, 6 female ferrets”

Laughter

JOWETT: It could have been one of them then. But if this lad was off his face, for all he knew, it was a dog

MIKE: Nah, he knew what he was doing. He looked proper shifty

JOWETT: How?

MIKE: I tried talking to them and I said “How long have you had a ferret?” And one of them looked a bit shifty and goes “What? Nah man it’s a dog”

JOWETT: Right?

MIKE: So I played along and said “Okay okay. What type of dog is it?” and he goes “A thin one bruv, now fu*k off!”

Laughter

MIKE: I just laughed. He may have told me to fu*k off, but it’s still a ferret on a lead

JOWETT: ……..let’s move on

RYAN: Joel wants to talk about being conned

JOWETT: What?

JOEL: I went to a well-known fast food restaurant, they didn’t give me what I ordered and let me leave without what I paid for

JOWETT: Shocking

JOEL: Annoying. This happened before, not getting what I paid for

JOWETT: When?

JOEL: I was on holiday with an ex girlfriend and we signed up for a boat trip. We got on the coach the next day and it like took us to a rock climbing place, then to a forest where we did zip wiring through the forest and then to a like off-road safari thing

JOWETT: Right?

JOEL: I thought ‘This is a bit of an elaborate start to a boat trip’

Laughter

MIKE: You must have known you hadn’t signed up for the right thing half way through those activities?

JOEL: Nah

MIKE: You still thought you were on the right trip?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: How about when you were in a tree?

Laughter

JOWETT: Alright, leave him alone now. Erm one of you wanted to talk about…..dark magic?

JOEL: Me

JOWETT: Go on?

JOEL: Well I watched a programme on it and I fancy giving it a go

JOWETT: Not real, mate

JOEL: You didn’t see the documentary. It can be done

JOWETT: You reckon you can do it?

JOEL: I think so, yeah. I think I have some sort of energy in me anyway

JOWETT: You chat some shi….

JOEL: No! Once I had an argument with my girlfriend and kicked my television out of rage while footloose was on TV. The next day Patrick Swayze died

Laughter

JOWETT: We shouldn’t have laughed at that

JOEL: True story

RYAN: Who are you going to do this dark magic on?

JOEL: I’m not sure. Might start with voodoo on certain people

MIKE: If you seriously believe you can pull this off, I will give you a list of some famous people to practice on

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Some famous people? That’s not hard to guess. To the readers of this, closely follow the career of Coldplay for the next few weeks

Laughter

MIKE: Nah actually I want nothing to do with this. It’s weird. You do too many weird things

JOEL: Psh you once  put your penis in the mouth of a hand puppet!

Laughter

MIKE: WELL! ….How do you know about that?

JOWETT: The puppet sold it’s story to a newspaper

Laughter

JOWETT: Worst kiss and tell yet!

RYAN: We had loads of those puppets, didn’t we? And Mike abused most of them, while drunk

MIKE: Yep! One of them was like made out of hard rubber

JOWETT: My god you…….did it hurt?

MIKE: Only when it didn’t return my phone calls

Laughter

JOWETT: You silly silly man

RYAN: What happened to all those puppets?

MIKE: Refuge centre, seeking advice

Laughter

JOWETT: Right let’s end this. Until next time, goodbye!

Welcome to another Friday Rewind. This one is going back to August! Enjoy! http://wp.me/p1ur1D-4d

More work is going on with the magazine. The website is nearly ready to start taking subscrptions. We will give you more news when we have hit

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Mike is back

MIKE: I am

JOWETT: Have a good time?

MIKE: I did

JOWETT: Good good. Erm…we got a bill through…..from your little trip

MIKE: Oh ah?

JOWETT: Err yeah, we did

MIKE: So?

JOWETT: You know how much horses cost?

MIKE: I don’t. I know how many Rolo’s it takes to choke one

Laughter

JOWETT: I wouldn’t be proud of that. It’s not funny

MIKE: I didn’t say it because it was funny. I’m trying to get a advertisement deal for Rolo’s

JOWETT: Well you are going to need the money

MIKE: I’M not paying for it!

JOWETT: YOU ARE!

MIKE: I DIDN’T KNOW ROLO’S WOULD CHOKE IT!

JOWETT: YOU DIDN’T CHOKE IT! THE HORSE WAS DIABETIC!

MIKE: WELL……fair enough

Laughter

JOWETT: YEAH!

RYAN: Christ! How many Rolo’s did you give it, for it to have a diabetic fit?

MIKE: Yeah, quite a lot

JOWETT: Where did you get all these Rolo’s?

MIKE: Mini baaaaa……the shop

JOWETT: WHAT! So we have a bill for a mini bar to look forward to aswell, do we?

MIKE: Okay okay. I’ll pay for the mini bar bill

JOWETT: You will pay for all of it!

MIKE: We will see

JOEL: Why did they get Mike to do the documentary?

JOWETT: No idea

MIKE: Because I’m young, gifted….and black

Laughter

JOWETT: (Tut’s) For the purpose of the readers, he’s not black

MIKE: I am! Who says I’m not!

JOWETT: We do, we can see you, we know you aren’t black

MIKE: I am. Step off, cracker!

Laughter

JOWETT: Enough of this. What have you been up to?

RYAN: Joel has mastered one of his impressions

JOWETT: Yeah?

JOEL: Yeah

JOWETT: Impression of who?

JOEL: Elmo

JOWETT: I have warned you about talking about Muppets, on these interviews. We ca…

MIKE: Elmo isn’t a Muppet

JOWETT: What? Of course he is

MIKE: Was he in ‘The Muppets’?

JOWETT: Well….Sesame Street

MIKE: Not ‘The Muppets’ though is it?

JOWETT: He is part of Jim Henson’s productions though, isn’t he!

MIKE: If he was never on the same screen as Kermit, he aint a Muppet

JOWETT:….You aren’t supposed to find loop holes in the ‘Muppet rule’

MIKE: Well then, sit down

JOWETT: God sake. I always thought impressions were sort of pointless, unless you are an impressionist

RYAN: Just a party trick, isn’t it

JOWETT: He shouldn’t be at parties where that impression would be popular

Laughter

MIKE: There has to be other uses. He couuuuuuuuuuuld ring up Brian Henson and say you have Elmo hostage. Ask for ransom

JOWETT: (Sarcastically) Yeahhh brilliant

MIKE: Nah, ring him up, and say”Brian, I have Elmo, hostage. I want 1 million pounds sent to me in the next 24 hours. Every hour I do not get an answer, I will send a body part in the post”” Brian will go “Do you think I’m stupid?” and then you go “well…here is proof” Put the Elmo voice on “Brian, Help meeeeee” ” OH MY GOD! DON’T HURT HIM! I’LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!”

Laughter

MIKE: Easy

JOWETT: That was ridiculous

RYAN: What if Brian turned around and said “Sorry Elmo, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Company policy!”

Laughter

MIKE: “Not since the time we lost  2 million trying to retrieve the original Big Bird from the Iraq tour”

JOWETT: Stop it now. So, Joel. Have you always done impressions?

JOEL: Yeah, ever since I was little. There is a video of me, when I was like 12, doing impressions

JOWETT: …….We need that video

JOEL: No chance. Even when I was 12 I thought, ‘If I ever become famous, that will come back to haunt me’

JOWETT: Hmm did you think you would become famous at that age?

JOEL: Possibly

JOWETT: How?

JOEL: Kill someone

Laughter

JOEL: I’m joking

JOWETT: I think a video of you doing impressions, circulating, would be the last thing on your mind if you were a murderer

Laughter

MIKE: Imagine that, on the news at ten “A video has been released of the serial killer, Joel” And then a video comes up of Joel doing impressions. Joel is there at home, hacking up bodies and he looks up at the Tv and goes “Oh how embarrassing!”

Laughter

JOWETT: On that not I think we better wrap this up. Untill next time!

Thank you for reading! We are still waiting to hear about the comedy magazine. The website is currently being made and we will let you know when that is up and running so you can subscribe to that. We aren’t sure yet but it would become our regular home. Keep following us on Twitter and Facebook if you haven’t already!