Mike’s encounter, Joel keeps getting conned and the lads consider dark magic

Posted: December 14, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , ,


RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello


JOWETT: Before we started this, Mike, was telling a story. Want to share it?

MIKE: Well, last night, I Went to a 24 hour petrol station to get some fags

JOWETT: Cigarettes, for our American readers

MIKE: Yeah. Anyway there were two crack heads in front buying crisps and pop, with a ferret on a lead


JOWETT: What did you say when you saw this?

MIKE: Take a bow son!

JOWETT: Course you did. Didn’t strike you as odd?

MIKE: Bloody heroic. Made my life


JOWETT: Where do you even get a ferret?

MIKE: Well actually, about two weeks ago, I saw an advertisement in the back of one of the local papers, where they sell stuff which said “Due to unforseen circumstances, 6 female ferrets”


JOWETT: It could have been one of them then. But if this lad was off his face, for all he knew, it was a dog

MIKE: Nah, he knew what he was doing. He looked proper shifty


MIKE: I tried talking to them and I said “How long have you had a ferret?” And one of them looked a bit shifty and goes “What? Nah man it’s a dog”

JOWETT: Right?

MIKE: So I played along and said “Okay okay. What type of dog is it?” and he goes “A thin one bruv, now fu*k off!”


MIKE: I just laughed. He may have told me to fu*k off, but it’s still a ferret on a lead

JOWETT: ……..let’s move on

RYAN: Joel wants to talk about being conned


JOEL: I went to a well-known fast food restaurant, they didn’t give me what I ordered and let me leave without what I paid for

JOWETT: Shocking

JOEL: Annoying. This happened before, not getting what I paid for


JOEL: I was on holiday with an ex girlfriend and we signed up for a boat trip. We got on the coach the next day and it like took us to a rock climbing place, then to a forest where we did zip wiring through the forest and then to a like off-road safari thing

JOWETT: Right?

JOEL: I thought ‘This is a bit of an elaborate start to a boat trip’


MIKE: You must have known you hadn’t signed up for the right thing half way through those activities?


MIKE: You still thought you were on the right trip?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: How about when you were in a tree?


JOWETT: Alright, leave him alone now. Erm one of you wanted to talk about…..dark magic?


JOWETT: Go on?

JOEL: Well I watched a programme on it and I fancy giving it a go

JOWETT: Not real, mate

JOEL: You didn’t see the documentary. It can be done

JOWETT: You reckon you can do it?

JOEL: I think so, yeah. I think I have some sort of energy in me anyway

JOWETT: You chat some shi….

JOEL: No! Once I had an argument with my girlfriend and kicked my television out of rage while footloose was on TV. The next day Patrick Swayze died


JOWETT: We shouldn’t have laughed at that

JOEL: True story

RYAN: Who are you going to do this dark magic on?

JOEL: I’m not sure. Might start with voodoo on certain people

MIKE: If you seriously believe you can pull this off, I will give you a list of some famous people to practice on

JOEL: Okay

JOWETT: Some famous people? That’s not hard to guess. To the readers of this, closely follow the career of Coldplay for the next few weeks


MIKE: Nah actually I want nothing to do with this. It’s weird. You do too many weird things

JOEL: Psh you once  put your penis in the mouth of a hand puppet!


MIKE: WELL! ….How do you know about that?

JOWETT: The puppet sold it’s story to a newspaper


JOWETT: Worst kiss and tell yet!

RYAN: We had loads of those puppets, didn’t we? And Mike abused most of them, while drunk

MIKE: Yep! One of them was like made out of hard rubber

JOWETT: My god you…….did it hurt?

MIKE: Only when it didn’t return my phone calls


JOWETT: You silly silly man

RYAN: What happened to all those puppets?

MIKE: Refuge centre, seeking advice


JOWETT: Right let’s end this. Until next time, goodbye!

  1. susielindau says:

    I love the zip line story. You were supposed to be on a boat? What? Hee Hee!

    I draw our family Christmas card and after Danny remarked that he seems to get better looking every year, he reminded me not to stick any pins in him while he is away. : )

    Those poor abused puppets. Hahaha!
    It’s another great post guys!

  2. hebeindc says:

    Fookin hilarious. I once saw a man in a park walking seven dogs and one large iguana who was wearing a big yellow bow around its neck. The bloke was chasing away cheeky birds who were trying to have a go at the iguana and all the squirrels were shouting “fight! fight! fight!”. It was brilliant.

  3. aplscruf says:

    Wait…Patrick Swayze wasn’t in Footloose!! LOL

  4. Solomon says:

    More puppets, a ferret, some crack heads, dark magic, conversational magicians at work here.

  5. Those poor puppets… The dark magic seems along the same lines as my curses… I’ll need to blog about those.

  6. Now I am afraid to play my Coldplay collection….

  7. Writer Jobs says:

    Great post thanks. I really enjoyed it very much.

    Love writing? We would love for you to join us!

    Writers Wanted

  8. Ronnie Libra says:

    Kevin Bacon, Patrick Swayze. . . Footloose and Dirty Dancing. How and the fuck can we expect Dark Magic to be able to tell the difference?

  9. I so always know where to go when I need a good laugh! I think the puppets deserve a movie of the week or at least a book deal.

  10. Anna says:

    “Cigarettes, for our American readers”, but for “petrol”, “crisps” and “proper shifty” you’re on your own. Nice!

  11. I’m just imagining the ferret getting into the crack while its owners are passed out…now, that’s a mental image I’ll treasure! Actually, that might be a good band slogan: “Like ferrets on crack”

  12. Once you get that voodoo stuff all figured out, let me know. I have a few people I’d like to add to the list.

    I’m never buying puppets off eBay again.

  13. Got to hand it to those puppets. No, wait! That didn’t come out right.

  14. kewsmith says:

    Can I still read your blog if I like Coldplay? Funny stuff.

  15. Oh my gosh! You guys are hilarious!
    Those poor puppets!
    You may have just ruined it for any of my future children, no hand puppets allowed!

  16. Jennifaye says:

    Hilarious. 😉 Poor puppets!

  17. Life as Mia says:

    God…. What a crazy-ass blog you guys have here.. XD

    Oh well, loved your post and the dark magic, that stuff sounds scary!
    I actually had two ferrets once, their gorgeous creatures, and when they dislike someone or someone tries to pet them without them agreeing with it, they do the *Shark attack* and the person has a nice set of teeth on their hands. 😉 Its awesome fun.

    Nice blog guys, keep this one up, seems intresting!
    A like and a follow from me,
    Mia from Denmark!

  18. william says:

    Hi! I nominated your blog for the Versatile Blogger award under the category “Blogging on the Road”. Check it out:


  19. Laura says:

    Can you actually keep a collar on a ferret? I would think that with those narrow, pointy heads they’d be able to wriggle out.

  20. The Hook says:

    Stay away from dark magic boys! Look what happened to that guy from Harry Pottter! You know, the one with the snake face?
    He got messed up…

  21. J.C.V. says:

    Funny stuff! You might be able to make a profit selling puppets that do those kinds of tricks. Lol

  22. the master says:

    When I was in sixth form I knew a slightly gothic girl who was very into black magic. Whether she was any good at it I don’t know, but she could do impressive tricks with cucumbers… so I’ve heard. She also claimed she was attacked by a vampire, and that she wanted to be a pathologist.

    In other news, I really miss those sixth form days…

  23. “Due to unforseen circumstances, 6 female ferrets”

    best line ever.

  24. Kitty Hun says:

    Woah crash course in Brit-speak. ^_^

    But I am LOVING this blog. Those poor puppets. :[

  25. erinish says:

    your blog concept is brilliant! and absolutely hilarious.

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