An investigation is underway and a man dresses as a school girl

Posted: September 19, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Evening

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: There is a bit of an investigation going on in the camp, isn’t there?

RYAN: Yeah

JOWETT: Someone has wrote Bean Bag’s name in his ‘Death Note’ book with death by “Realisation that he is a retard”


MIKE: You have gotta laugh

RYAN: I heard him ask if he can put suspects under citizens arrest


JOWETT: Oh dear. I suppose if any of you get arrested again then it’s your final strike isn’t it?

MIKE: …..I think we are safe on this one

JOWETT: So it was you then?

MIKE: Nah it wasn’t me

RYAN: He told me the other day that the army wouldn’t let him enroll because he failed as medical and physical test

MIKE: When did he say this?

RYAN: He was wiping out a ant’s nest by pouring boiling water over it, out the back of the venue the other week

JOWETT: Oh for fffff

RYAN: What?


RYAN: They don’t care about ant’s

MIKE: (Laughs)(Daft voice, miming pouring water) “Look at them all, working together as a team……..bastards”


JOWETT: Joel is the only one that has a ‘cleanish’ record anyway, aren’t you?

JOEL: Yeah, the last time I got in trouble was a while back

RYAN: Yeah the last time you were arrested they wanted to put you under house arrest didn’t they

JOEL: Yeah

RYAN: But you got the last laugh didn’t ya?


MIKE: He didn’t have a house



MIKE: But this is ridiculous. They are treating it like a murder investigation

RYAN: You’re dad was questioned in a murder investigation wasn’t he?

MIKE: (Tut’s) Why have you said that?

JOWETT: Has he really?

MIKE: He was yeah, but every male on that street was

JOWETT: Explain

MIKE: A woman was found, strangled, in her house so every male on that street was questioned. Even my uncle that lived a few houses down was questioned


MIKE: Yeah. He lived alone at the time with his pet cat called Graham.

JOWETT: Why did he call it Graham?

MIKE: Because it was grey and it ate ham for its dinner


JOWETT: Fair enough

MIKE: Anyway, the police came in to his house and said “Do you live alone?” and he said “Yeah”. So before they questioned him, he was making them a cup of tea on his own in the kitchen and Graham must have been in the way or something because my uncle said “Get out, Graham!”. So the police heard that and said”Who’s Graham? You said you lived alone! GET GRAHAM OUT HERE! WE WANT TO TALK TO GRAHAM!” and my uncle said “You can’t, he’s just jumped over the back wall”


MIKE: They thought some guilty bloke called Graham had legged it

JOWETT: That’s brilliant

MIKE: I know. He said they shot off in embarrassment as soon as they realised Graham was a cat

JOWETT: Well that’s a weekly cat story quoter filled. I have a story from the news that I want to talk about. ‘Man breaches order banning him from dressing like a school girl in public’


JOWETT: “Peter Trigger, 62, was given a five-year ASBO in December 2008 banning him from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on school days between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm”.

MIKE: (Laughs) His lawyer must be tearing his hair out “What did I tell you?” “Err I’m not allowed to wear a skirt or show bare legs during school times” “So what were you doing in a MINI SKIRT DURING SCHOOL HOURS!?”


JOWETT: They really do their best to avoid calling him a pedophile, in this story

MIKE: This doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile

JOWETT: He is trying to hang out with kids!

MIKE: (Tut’s) SO!? Michael Jackson use to regularly hang out with kid’s, so if your calling Michael Jackson a…….ah yeah I see your point



JOWETT: “Northampton Magistrates’ Court heard that Trigger, from Thorplands, Northampton, was alleged to have been near a school in the town in June wearing a girl’s school uniform – including a skirt, and a Northampton Academy blazer”

MIKE: That’s a committed pedophile. He has dressed up in the exact school uniform for the school that he is hanging around outside, trying to blend in

RYAN: Where did he get the blazer from? Like he must have said “Can I have a Blazer please?” “Okay, what is the width of your child’s shoulders?” “Err bigger than usual…….growth spirt”


JOWETT: “Colin McGregor, prosecuting, said Trigger had been charged with breaching the first condition of his ASBO which bans him from wearing a skirt”


JOWETT: “Mr McGregor said: ‘He was described as wearing a girl’s school uniform with the distinctive bright blue Northampton Academy blazer in the particular area at the relevant time.’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig” (Laughs) Like a disguise

MIKE: Or he is just sticking with the school girl thing. I like to think he stayed in character through the trail, trying to convince them he is a school girl but failing miserably. He turned up looking like Britney Spears and his lawyer just sat there with his head in hands (Daft Voice) “I promise I’m a school girl! My name is Lindsay, im 13 and I like glitter and shit” he just breaks character when he says “shit”

JOWETT: “’Trigger, who appeared in court wearing a black wig denied breaching his ASBO and has elected for a trial at the magistrates’ court next year”

MIKE: (Daft voice) “Nooooo I wasn’t breaching my ASBO. It wasn’t a skirt, It was a belt” And then he winks at the jury


JOWETT: Right that’s that. Let’s wrap this up! Untill next time! Goodbye

Keep signing up to everything if you haven’t done already. Also if you want to hear more from the lad’s, we did an interview with H. E. ELLIS…take a look!

  1. wannabfamous says:

    Loved the laugh! Great story.

  2. Thats great. Keep it up

  3. aplscruf says:

    I’m worried now…!

  4. why didn’t Mr.Trigger just go there at 10:05 am? hmmmm….

  5. beautywalk says:

    This sounds like a screen play. Are you writing a longer version? I’d love to read more. Yotaki

  6. as always, amusing. Need this tonight. Rock on.

  7. I love your blog, and named you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is outlined on my blog. Also, would you mind if I added you to my blogroll?

  8. That is some good quality random.

  9. This story really put a smile on my face. Thanks for the great comedy today..

  10. susielindau says:

    This story is hilarious! The set up is perfect for the punch lines!

  11. Last year I saw a news story stating that police will be monitoring known pedophiles on halloween. Imagine someone asking, “But what if someone dresses up as a pedophile?” This can be interpreted in two ways: a child dressing up as a pedophile, and the police watching him, or a pedophile dressing up as a pedophile, and so would he then need police observation, since he’d be announcing his presence.

  12. Hahaha! I love glitter and sh*t, too. I am adding that to my “about” page 😉

  13. Literally laughing out loud!

  14. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Just to let you know, I’ve nominated your blog for THE VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD! Come check out my post and see what you think.

  15. Ronnie Libra says:

    Just to let you and H.E. Know I haven’t nominated either of you for anything 😉

    But I am reading your blogs..


  16. Tilly Bud says:

    Loved the cat story.

  17. Bella says:

    Something tells me the banter going on in this blog would make for a killer comedy script in a sitcom. It has rapport, energy, and most of all, it’s engaging. Me like! 🙂

  18. macdougalstreetbaby says:

    Very very nice to meet you. Loved the H.E.Ellis interview. Gives “hand puppet” a whole new perspective.

  19. Funny stuff for sure. Thanks for the amusement! 🙂

  20. Okay saw the headline and thought: So? thought it was a British tradition -rim shot-

  21. The Hook says:

    There’s a good reason for your blogging fame, my friend. Nice work!

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