Crackers in Paris, Hurricanes and Joel’s film review returns

Posted: August 26, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: Well! Just got back from Paris haven’t we!

RYAN: Yep

JOWETT: Good wasn’t it! Did all the cliché stuff, saw all the sights and that, when we had time off. Eiffel Tower, saw the Mona Lisa, went to Notredam. Mike was annoyed that Notredam didn’t look exactly like the cathedral in the Disney film

MIKE: Mmm I swear there are steps leading up to it in the film, no steps in real life

JOWETT: I know I know, still impressive though!

RYAN: Yeah, no hunchback though

JOWETT: No, I know

MIKE: Well, actually, we went to a shop on the other side of the river from Notredam and we saw a hunchback bloke in there, homeless looking, buying gin!

Laughter

MIKE: I thought he had been evicted and it had hit him hard or something

JOWETT: Yeah, I remember Joel looking at him in wonder and amazement. Joel actually just treated that trip as an opportunity to get his french international cap, to tick off his list

JOEL: I don’t know what your on about

JOWETT: (Laughs) Come on now. when we were on that boat-bus across the river and you were sat next to that girl who was on her own, you were all over her!

JOEL: She was on her own! I felt sorry for her!

JOWETT: I felt sorry for her mate! Don’t worry about that!

Laughter

RYAN: Suppose it makes a change for the last few girls you were with in England

JOEL: What you mean?

RYAN: Well, have you volunteered to help some charity or something? Because there have been something wrong with the last few. One of them talked a bit slowly

JOEL: (Tuts) I’m not gonna highlight the problem she had, I liked that girl

MIKE: Mmm there is a sorta quiet dignity about the deaf

Laughter

JOWETT: Mike and Ryan did seem to gang up on Joel a lot during our time in paris. I think you both feel threatened by Joel

JOEL: Definitely. They are more scared of me than I am of them

MIKE: No mate that’s spiders

Laughter

JOWETT: Anyway, Bean Bag came along as usual didn’t he, kept himself to himself. The other roadie’s have been acting unusual since we outed BB, haven’t they?

MIKE: Yeah a bit. I’m worried he has given other roadie’s ideas and now they are all making lists and eventually rise up and revolt like the planet of the apes

Laughter

JOWETT: Mmm do you think that might have been slightly offensive? comparing our dangerous roadie’s to monkeys?

MIKE: Nah, well we will see wont we, when next week this blog is run by ‘Tattoo Jim’.

JOWETT: Speaking of ‘Planet of the apes’ Joel, has reviewed the new film but we will get to that in a min. Erm let’s look at some topical things. There was a hurricane. Hurricane Irene

MIKE: Daft name

JOWETT: I suppose, Irene isn’t really a threatening name is it. You wouldn’t associate a name like Irene with destruction

MIKE: Definitely not

JOWETT: Go on then, name it

MIKE: Well you would go with something a bit threatening but ultimately not scary. I’ve got it, ‘Hurricane Chris Brown’

JOWETT: NO!

MIKE: But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s

JOWETT: Stop it! where’s the Fu**ing Ping!?

MIKE: And chat show dressing room’s

JOWETT: Management really need to be on the ball when he starts rants like that. Where was the warning Ping?

RYAN: You asked him the question!

JOWETT: Yeah well, let’s move on. Erm, there is set to be a Michael Jackson memorial concert with pop stars doing tribute acts for him

MIKE: What’s this for?

JOWETT: To celebrate the life of Jacko I imagine, Mike

MIKE: WELL!

JOWETT: Don’t do it

MIKE: Just saying, if they are celebrating his life, there should be some balance

RYAN: (Laughing) Like what, Michael?

MIKE: Off the top of my head?

JOWETT: NO!

RYAN: Yeah

MIKE: Erm they should act out Macaulay Culkin’s repressed childhood memories on stage and give the proceeds to a chimp sanctuary

PING

Laughter

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ohhh dear. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Right. A scientist tries to come up with a cure for Alzheimer’s and has to test out his cure on monkeys. This cure ends up making the monkeys organised

Laughter

JOWETT: Yeah go on

JOEL: One of them steps out of line so they are all seen as too dangerous and so they are all killed except for one that goes to live with the scientist until he attacks someone and has to be sent back to the lab and live with the new monkeys that are being experimented on. While they are there, that evil youth out of ‘Harry Potter’ abuses them

MIKE: What, Ralph Finnes, Voldamort?

JOEL: No

RYAN: Ron?

JOEL: No!

JOWETT: Ron wasn’t evil!

RYAN: Well I dunno!

MIKE: Who did Alan Rickman play?

JOWETT: JOEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FINISH IT!

JOEL: Anyway this lad teased them, the organised chimp, Caeser, got pissed off and gave the organised gas to the other monkeys and basically, they rioted, smashed up stuff until they got to a park

JOWETT: So the scientist made this cure and it gave the monkeys human intelligence?

JOEL: Yeah, at the end the scientist goes to the park, where they are all kickin about, to reason with Caeser and Caeser goes (Monkey voice) “Caeser is home”

Laughter

MIKE: He said that did he?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: (Laughs) Like, in that film, he would have realised that the world is ultimately fu**ed. But if I was him and I had come up with this virus and the monkey had just SPOKE and said “Caeser is home”. Part of me would of thought “……im a fu**kin GENIUS!”

Laughter

JOEL: I’m pretty sure I sponsor a chimp at some zoo ya know, I pay money each month

JOWETT: Do ya?

RYAN: No, he thinks he does,  it’s just child support that he’s paying for

Laughter

JOEL: No it’s a monkey and this film has given me an idea. The monkey is technically mine, so I’m gonna take him home and train him up!

JOWETT: It doesn’t work like that mate, it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking

Laughter

JOWETT: Right I’m wrapping this up! Until next time! Goodbye!

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Comments
  1. oh lord. hurricane chris brown?! excellent.

  2. …”But it only smashes up the home’s of female pop singers, women refuge centre’s”…very sharp.

  3. Blogdramedy says:

    Tell me Mike is as cute as he is funny. If not, it’s okay. Just lie to me anyway. 🙂

  4. Live Bravely says:

    Irene really isn’t that intimidating…excellent.

    thanks for reading 😉

  5. surlygurls says:

    That might be the greatest review of the new Apes movie I have ever read! Hilarious!

  6. the master says:

    One wonders what sort of stories you’d hear if you injected this Alzheimer’s cure into Bubbles…

  7. serious giggles here! oh, hurricanes are always named after women…watch out for the little ones with the sweet sounding names…some cosmic joke? The Chris Brown thing was great.

  8. Alison Dennehy says:

    “it’s not like a child you can pull out of school, take him home and feed him Smarties in the hope he will become smarter, because I know that’s what you were thinking”. If only smarties made kids smarter, working at a school would become so much easier…

  9. Lyndall says:

    Great article, thank you again for wnritig.

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