Joel’s review of the film ‘Teeth’…. or his reworked title ‘Why you shouldn’t attack women’

Posted: August 4, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Get On the Band Wagon!

JOWETT: Hello!

MIKE: Hello

RYAN: Hello

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: So, you were all late coming here

MIKE: Don’t jab your finger at me ,mate, when you say “you were all late”. Joel is the reason we were late

JOWETT: Why, what was Joel doing?

JOEL: Just had an appointment

MIKE: Doctors!


JOWETT: Doctors ay? why were you going there

JOEL: Just a check up. Blood tests and that

JOWETT: (Laughing) Why did you have to have blood tests?

JOEL: Doesn’t matter

JOWETT: (Laughing) No no, why did you have to have a blood test?

JOEL: (Tuts) Cholesterol

JOWETT: CHLOESTEROL! I don’t think you can get cholesterol from groupies


JOEL: Shut up

JOWETT: Anyway let’s get on with it. Joel, we have had a few suggestions for your film review. But I chose the one I liked the best which was the film ‘Teeth’, so you have reviewed that haven’t you?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: These film reviews are pointless. He doesn’t review it, he just says what he would do if he was in that film

JOEL; Just jealous

MIKE: No mate

JOWETT: Yeah I think you are jealous of Joel’s award-winning film reviews

MIKE: Award winning?

JOWETT: Yeah if you don’t stop attacking Joel’s review then we will give him an award for it, which I know will annoy you

MIKE: Honestly its like he is 10 and you are giving him fake awards so he will behave. Right! Yesterday I saw Joel eating a banana, but before he peeled it, he was looking at it, realised it had a sticker on it, so he peeled it off and stuck it to his chest like a monkey in a zoo

Laughter from all over the room

JOWETT: (Laughter) I really hope that story is true

MIKE: It is

JOWETT: (Laughing) Ryan! look at Ryan! He looks like he is in pain because he is laughing so hard


JOWETT: You okay now mate?

RYAN: Ohhh (Pause) Yeah. As funny as that was, I kind of want to give Joel a hug because of that story

JOWETT: I know. Well Ryan, if Mike keeps it up, you can Present Joel with an award

MIKE: Pshhh

JOWETT: Have you had to present an award before, at like an actual awards ceremony?

RYAN: Nah. Mike had to once I remember

MIKE: Yeah, it was bizarre. It was one of them American award shows. We were pretty much unheard of and I was asked to present an award with this actress. But she went on and on for too long. Someone at the side of the stage was signaling for her to get on with it, but she was going on like Hallie Berry accepting an Oscar. All People in the audience were getting annoyed


JOWETT: Like who?

MIKE: Erm Chris Brown, his eye started twitching




JOWETT: (Laughing) That ping signalling we should move on from that joke. Joel, do your review

JOEL: Okay. Teeth. Basically the protagonist in this story has teeth in her vagina

MIKE: Woah woah, where did he learn a word like ‘story’


JOWETT: He’s getting into this isn’t he, like a real reviewer. Carry on mate

JOEL: Well she starts off as a girl who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and all that. Then she get’s raped and the lad that attacks her gets his knob bitten off by her vagina. To be honest, this is just a trend that happens throughout. She sleeps with different boys and they all get killed by this lethal vagina


JOEL: Oh but it doesn’t bite off their knob if she likes the person she is sleeping with

RYAN: You mean it doesn’t bite off their cock if they aren’t raping her?

JOEL: Err yeah

JOWETT: I was gonna say, why does she keep getting attacked?

JOEL: I’m not really sure


JOEL: But in the end she gets into it and sorta uses it as a weapon to teach perverts a lesson

JOWETT: Right, what do you make of it? Daft?

JOEL: Well obviously. I looked it up because I thought it was a message about STD’s


JOEL: But apparently it is based on a myth which was invented to stop men raping women


RYAN: This isn’t true

MIKE: As if that had to be invented! (Put’s on voice) “Why shouldn’t I rape people!?” “Well it’s wrong” “NOPE, sorry that’s not a good enough reason! There would have to be a definite downside to me forcing sex on someone” “Some women have TEETH in their vagina, good enough reason?” “Well….yes”. It’s ridiculous


JOWETT: Well, obviously Joel would never attack a woman, so we can’t really get your tips on how to get out of that situation

MIKE: What? (Laughing) Tips on how to attack a woman without getting hurt?




JOEL: Well say It was consensual but she was just doing it to get revenge for something

JOWETT: Err okay yeah

JOEL: I just think I would know and would have legged it

RYAN: That’s always your answer “I would just run off”

MIKE: What? Just run off with an erection?

JOEL: Yeah

MIKE: I think that would be difficult mate, uncomfortable

RYAN: How do you know?

JOWETT: I don’t know actually. Well what situation would you have to run off with an er..


JOWETT: (Laughing) Yeah, actually, Let’s not


JOWETT: We should probably end it there. Ermm keep sending in your suggestions for Joel’s film reviews! and keep following. Goodbye!




  1. mario says:

    Haha! The thing about the banana sticker is the greatest part of this! Nicely done, Mike!

    How about Cloverfield? A monster from nowhere apparently hates New York. I’ll say no more besides the fact that I nearly got motion sick trying to watch it.

  2. Tinkerbelle says:

    Im so glad I suggested this Jowett. I didnt think anything would beat the Ring review, but he has a talent! 🙂

  3. joem18b says:

    If you liked Teeth, you might also like Eyes. Same plot, only instead of biting it, she’s just looking at it real close.

  4. modestmeaghan says:

    Oh, Teeth was a terrible movie! And not terrible in a good way. For a fantastic terrible movie, you have to watch Troll 2!

  5. the master says:

    Not an actual movie, but I’d love to hear a review of this (courtesy of!

    Also on a similar (sort of) theme to Teeth, may I suggest Wicked City. Chances are this Bean Bag may have heard of it or has already got it, going by what’s been said about him on here.

  6. goldcoaster says:

    Hey, I remember that movie – well it was original I guess, not much else good to say about it.

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