Fitness tests, Scientology and blind horses

Posted: May 26, 2011 in Band Conversations
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Get On the Band Wagon!

We are back with a new post. This is coming off the back of a medical and fitness test that the band members endured. It took some persuading but I have managed to convince the lads to let me read out their results during the recording of the latest interview. None of the band members know what their results are so I get to tell them. enjoy!

JOWETT: Hello!

RYAN: Hello

MIKE: Hello

JOWETT: Joel is with us again, say hello Joel

JOEL: Hello

JOWETT: I can’t wait for this

RYAN: I know, you can tell by the look on your face. Have you seen the results yet?

JOWETT: Nah. But in a moment I will have all you’re results. I will just explain to the readers that today, the lads have been put through medical and fitness tests. None of them know the results and I am about to read them all out

MIKE: What a smug cu** you are. You should have done those tests too!

JOWETT: I was busy mate

MIKE: (Sarcastically) Sure you were

JOWETT: Nervous?

MIKE: Nope

RYAN: Nah will be alright

JOWETT: Joel?

JOEL: I’m ok

JOWETT: Okay then. I have the results here. The name of the doctor was Dr Crisp?

RYAN: Yeah. Doctor Crisp. Great name

MIKE: Yeah. Did you notice he looks like Ainsley Harriett?

RYAN: (Sounding annoyed) how many times! One, he looks like Obama. And two, you can’t say that, it’s racist

Laughter

JOWETT: So what sort of tests did you have to take for this physical?

RYAN: Treadmills and bikes. Bit like a gym

JOWETT: Did any of you struggle with the tests?

RYAN: Joel looked like he was gonna die. Could see the vodka sweating out of him

JOWETT: Right. It says you went  through a series of fitness tests to assess everything from your heart rate to stamina. These involved running exercises, bike simulators and weight lifting

RYAN: Come on then let’s have it!

JOWETT: Okay then first up was Joel. We put you through all the exercises and measured heart rate and stamina and it calculated your age from how well you did. Your real age is 27 and your score came out at 47

JOEL: 47 what?

JOWETT: 47 years old. That’s how old your test results show you to be

JOEL: Right. Is that bad?

JOWETT: Err n the doctors notes it says it’s not really bad, no. But you do need to cut down on your drinking

RYAN: Sounds about right

JOWETT: Well you say that Ryan but your 30 and according to your results your body age is 51

Laughter

RYAN: Oh dear. That can’t be right

Mike continues to laugh

MIKE: You’re a mess!

RYAN: Fuck off, I bet after they calculated your body age they sent a wreath directly to your family. Your body has got to be a right state after the last 20 years with all the stuff you put into it.

MIKE: Psh whatever. My body is a temple!

JOWETT: Temple?

MATTIE: Yeah

JOWETT: Do you rent this temple out to smack heads?

Laughter from all over the room

MIKE: What?

JOWETT: You failed miserably mate. It actually says here you need to “Please consult you’re GP”

Laughter

JOWETT: You can sort that out at the end of this interview. Right, let’s move on! How is everything? Besides you’re health

RYAN: Alright

JOWETT: Good good. I saw you on MTV 2 earlier. One of your music video’s

RYAN: Did you?

JOWETT: Yep. I have noticed you are never on the HITS channel or MTV one are ya. Do you not fancy writing good songs?

Laughter

JOWETT: Fancy writing a number 1 worthy song?

MIKE: Nah we are ok. What is number one in the UK charts anyway?

JOWETT: Pitbull

MIKE: Who’s that?

RYAN: He is that bald bloke that always wears sunglasses. Remember he came on TV the other week and you asked if he has had a stroke because he sings out of one side of his mouth

Laughter

MIKE: (Laughing) ahh yeah I remember

RYAN: Tom cruise was on some advert thing afterwards and we were talking about scientology

JOWETT: Where you? I’m going to take a chance and ask you, Mike, what your views are

MIKE: It’s a load of rubbish aint it!

Laughter

JOWETT: Well done Mike. The sensitive issue of Scientology handled carefully there by Mike

MIKE: Well it is! The people who follow it are mental. But in the interest of fairness, all religions are mad

JOWETT: (Laughing) Yep! all religions are mad! except the ones that kill you. Nah Mike is obviously joking, we respect all religions

MIKE: I’ll tell you who are the weirdest people when it comes to religion. Birds! I mean women!

Laughter

JOWETT: Yep religious birds are the craziest. Oh dear that was quite misogynistic. I apologise to…

RYAN: (Laughing) That wasn’t just misogynistic, you just insulted so many people

JOWETT: Errm ok (Pause) People of earth, I’m sorry

Laughter

JOWETT: I think we have insulted enough people lets look at some news stories. As a change I will let Mike read out the news

MIKE: Ok let’s have a look (Pause) Teenager Dylan Aaron died in a fishing pond after he was pushed in by a yob who shouted: ‘Go on, drown you little b******

JOWETT: NOT THAT ONE!

Laughter

JOWETT: Fu** me! what did you think the highlighting on the page was for!?

MIKE: Ohhhhhh

JOWETT: Give it here. God you have already insulted thousands of people, we don’t need stories like that. This is the one you had to read out. BLIND HORSE OF MONTANA LOOKED AFTER BY ANIMAL GANG. “Sissy a 15 year old blind horse has formed a remarkable relationship with a highly protective entourage consisting of five goats and five sheep”

Laughter

JOWETT: “Michelle Feldstein is no stranger to taking in animals in slightly unusual circumstances at her Deer haven Ranch animal shelter in Montana, USA. Over the year Ms Feldstein, 66, has taken in ducks that can’t fly, cats without no claws and nomad llamas, but even she had to double take when she saw Sissy and her gang of helpers”

RYAN: So are they like helpers or body guards?

JOWETT: Why? Do you want to hire them? aw look at this, she says “Sissy came with five goats and five sheep – and they take care of her. They round her up at feeding time and then move aside to make sure she gets to the hay. They show her where the water is and stand between her and the fence to let her know the fence is there. Ms Feldstein went on to explain how the sheep and goats diligently look after the 15-year-old white mare come what may, even through blizzards or torrential rain” How bizarre. (Laughs) she goes on to say “When you watch them, you have to wonder, why can’t people do that?’

Laughter

MIKE: What does she mean?

JOWETT: I don’t know, it sounds like she was on the verge of making a point about racism but they cut her off. Anyway a nice little story to cap off a hate filled blog post. Untill next time! Goodbye!

Keep Joining the Facebook group and leave comments and questions if you want me to ask the band anything in the next post!

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Comments
  1. the master says:

    I’m with Mike when it comes to religion. What bothers me about Scientologists is how they mangled the word “scientist” to try and give their religion an air of authenticity. It’s like creationists mangling the second law of thermodynamics to try and disprove evolution. If you want to believe some load of horseshit go ahead, just don’t manipulate and misrepresent legitimate science only to turn round and attack it.

    As far as the last story goes, I suspect one day soon Ms Feldstein will arrive at the ranch to find Sissy and the sheep missing, with just five very fat goats left. Don’t trust goats. They’re leery bastards.

  2. Great post. I agree scientology is ridiculous! and I had never noticed that about pitbull’s mouth and now i cant’t take him seriously

    Again, great post!

  3. […] (For more insight into Mike’s opinion on a certain rapper named Pitbull, check out this post HERE). […]

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